A Lesson in Sexist Humor, Help Translating, Prison Time, and Other Suggestions This Week

Gawker has recently taken on an ebullient team of Swedish correspondents Hjalmar Sveinbjőrnsson and Alex who self-described their role as a "worthless hire." Regardless, they have completed their first assignment on the Onion / Quvenzhané Wallis debacle. While we have one overt letter criticizing these far-flung contributors, we also noticed an increase of people offering translation services, most of whom used questionable grammar, syntax, and vocabulary themselves.

Subj: Translation is my special world
Body: Dear Sir/Madam
I have an excellent record of accomplishment in translating legal (correspondence, contracts, certificates & documentation, consolidated financial statements), medical and technical documents. In the past I was supplying translation services for my employer (qualifications, contracts of employment, guidelines, etc.) then for my own company. My Portfolio includes companies in Germany, Dubai, Malaysia & India Feel free to ask for samples or references
Yours faithful.

Subj: MuchDo Translation Agency: Best Selection
Body: Dear Sir/Madam,
Do you spend long time searching for qualified translators?
Do you like to have the best price?
Do you worry about the translators' commitment regarding deadlines?
Why do you bear all this while we are ready to do it for you?

Subj: Fast and accurate translations
Body: Dear Sir/Madam
This e-mail is to express my interest in applying for a French Translator Freelance position to the current collaboration you are offering.
The key strength that I possess for this position is to provide amply documented translations based on a high sensitive cultural approach and strong linguistic skills.
As a French native, I express the willing to get to work with you on several translation projects. You will find me to be specialized in tourism and the hotels industry but also in marketing, business, real-estate, technical translation, company creation, fashion, game industries (poker/gambling), communication and IT industry etc. I never hesitate to spend time making researches while translating a text in a special field.

And a letter directly addressing the creative spelling and active imaginations of the Nybro Action Team.

Subj: Cultural Diversity
Body: John,
Having spent considerable time in Scandinavia, I wanted to highlight for you something rather important given your choice of the "under employed" Nybro "action team."
Those dudes aren't "under employed." They are under-educated...and it shows. People in Sweden, ESPECIALLY IN THAT AGE GROUP, typically speak and write English well. They learn English as a core requirement throughout school in comprehensive English classes (that are remarkably important given that barely more people than live in New York speak Swedish worldwide). Those whose written English is as poor as the Nybro Action Team's are the ones who learned their English primarily from movies, music, and other popular culture. In other words, these two dudes (who I'm sure are very nice fellows) were awful students (and that's by American standards, leaving alone for a moment that Swedes have a higher educational standard for themselves). So, despite one of the best school systems in the world, they couldn't be bothered to pay attention. In the 50 year-old plus demographic, Hjalmar and Alex would have passable English skills. Among Swedish peers of their age, their English skills are atrocious.
There is a large sample of Americans who are lazy and under-educated...and can't write cogently. If you were interested in capturing the post-bonghit, white trash perspective, you could have landed closer to home. If you were interested in the cultural perspective of those from Sweden, there is no shortage of intelligent, educated Swedes capable of conveying thoughts through words in the English language...with a sense of humor too. The Nybro Action team, I assure you, is at the bottom of the curve representing Swedish command of the English language. You may see it as quaint and admirable that they are communicating in their second language but I think most Swedes of their age would view their command of English as embarrassing to them and the English teachers that "educated" them.
As your standards continue to slip there at Gawker (not intended ironically at all), you may want to shore up your writer selection process lest you end up with two distinct classes of Gawker writers...those that steal content from Reddit and need not use their extant language skills...and those that have no language skills but are relied upon to write cultural analysis (yes, probably via Google Translate if a few indicators are accurate) nonetheless.
Hjalmar and Alex are not amazing simply because they are from another country. They are, quite simply, lazy, under-educated, stoner bros who had the bad luck of living in horrid places like Malmø but the good fortune of finding the altruistic John Cook. But it's not likely that you will be paying them enough money to compensate for what their lazy asses bring from being on the Swedish dole. The freshness date on these two has already passed. Soon, they will find more entertaining, and less strenuous, post-bonghit activities (God, we can only hope).
But, hey, at least they don't have guns!
Go Sweden!

Moving right along to our other exploits—something for which we need prison time.

Subj: what were you thinking you need prison time for this
Body: Why would you allow criminals to have information on who and who does not own a gun...You a moron !!!!!!!!!! Your a criminal for doing this !!!!! Families are being exposed to violence, little old ladies homes are not exposed to a criminal knowing and not knowing if she owns a gun.... I hope you are prosecuted by the laws of our constitution for allowing this information to be released !!!!!! Your not an American GO HOME !!!

Questioning why we don't understand Seth MacFarlane. Because he's actually stellar and very humorous.

Subj: Re: Here are all of Seth MacFarlane's predictable...
Body: You're stupid. No reply necessary.

Subj: Seth MacFarlane
Body: Your article could not be more off base. I don't know what you have against Seth, but I thought he did a stellar job. There was nothing homophobic about his performance. Why don't we step off the anti-gay rants for a while and take his performance for what it was: anti-politically correct dark humor. No one in Hollywood is anti-gay, they wouldn't have a career if they were out touting that type of agenda.
The day we can stop being so sensitive to everything is the day we make a progressive step forward in social interaction. Otherwise, its articles like this that are making me dislike Gawker these days.

C. Everett Koop Obituary: four words.

Sub: C. Everett Koop died
Body: Asshole that he was.

In order to keep your audience over the 8th grade reading level, please avoid fecal matter. Or does this mean that we will lose anyone below an 8th grade reading level if we cease scatological musings?

Subj: Here's a tip:
Body: Unless you are only interested in keeping 7th graders in your audience, please stop featuring stories about farts and eating your own poop.