Every time she opens her mouth to speak, Taylor Swift, an antique doll brought to life by black magic, becomes more and more terrifying.
This month, like an agent of Satan, she informs Vanity Fair who will be going to hell and for what crimes (spoiler alert: crimes against Taylor Swift). She schools everyone on sexism (broadly: You Are Being Sexist). She bops around her living room getting ready for a night out with her best gals, when "O Fortuna" comes on and she shrieks "I love this song!" and snaps a rabbit's neck just to feel it go still in her hands and blood starts running down all of the mirrors. (That part didn't actually happen or, if it did, was not transcribed by Vanity Fair.)
Here's what we learned about Taylor Swift today:
Taylor Swift thinks (or at least hopes) Amy Poehler and Tina Fey will burn in hell for gently ribbing her at the Golden Globes.
While hosting this year's Golden Globes, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler did a brief riff on Taylor Swift's love life, instantly causing everyone in the universe to hate them forever, and earning them a reputation as America's Hitler and Pol Pot – or so it seemed to Taylor Swift. Asked how she felt about the joke (Fey told Swift from the stage to "stay away from Michael J. Fox's son" and that she could use a little "me time," while Poehler advised her to "Go for it"—that's it; end of joke), Swift responded with a quote about how they are Damned.
"You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people, because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.'"
How does Taylor Swift help other women? By informing them in advance that they have been condemned to a wretched eternity in hell. C U NEXT TUESDAY IN HELL, BITCHES, she rages. Women helping women. It's beautiful.
Taylor Swift will not tell you an outright lie about whether she bought a house next to the Kennedy family's in Hyannis Port, but she really, really hopes you don't think she did.
"People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like-that's a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me… if there's a house rumor, they'll find out it's not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house."
She totally did buy that house.
According to Vanity Fair, it was purchased last year under the name of a member of Taylor Swift's management company, and was recently flipped and resold.
Taylor Swift refuses to talk about her love life herself, but she will authorize one of her BFFs to tell you everything, which is the same thing as her talking about it herself, except that now you can never say "Taylor Swift said that."
A source close to Taylor Swift tells the magazine, with the singer's blessing, that Harry Styles "chased" Swift for a year but that their relationship ended because he was a playa. The source also says that Swift dated Conor when he was 17 because she thought it would be easier than dating a guy in his 30s.
Taylor Swift's apartment is horrible, inspired by children.
The interview took place in Swift's apartment, the aesthetic of which she describes as "Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan." She was drinking a lavender lemonade.
"Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff. "
Here's hoping Tina Fey doubles down on her stance and releases a statement reading "Yo, Taylor Swift is a BITCH."