IKEA Recalls Almond Cakes After Realizing They Might Contain Poop

Remember last week when IKEA recalled some meatballs for containing horsemeat, even though horse is a kind of meat, so technically they were still balls of meat, i.e. "meatballs"? Today the Swedish furniture behemoth recalled some almond cakes after tests revealed they contained a bacteria normally found in poop.

Poop is definitely not a kind of almond.

Chinese officials destroyed 1,800 pounds of the frozen cakes last December, after tests revealed the product contained "excessive levels" of coliform bacteria. Coliforms are found in abundance in the feces of warm-blooded animals, but can also exist in water, soil, and on plants. They are real chill, down-for-anything bacteria. Just give them a pillow and a blanket and they're good.

Somehow, IKEA's head office didn't find out about that small catastrophe until this week, at which point it promptly (3 months later) recalled all potentially contaminated cakes from sale.

The recalled cakes originated from the same supplier in Sweden, land of poopcakes, but had been exported to 23 of Earth's hottest countries: Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, China, Czech Republic, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Italy, The Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Romania, Russia, Slovakia, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan and the United Arab Emirates.

The U.S. once again avoided the gross food recall, which is ironic considering how much shit we eat.

Eager to find that silver lining, IKEA points out that, although the presence of coliforms can serve as an indication that harmful bacteria like E.coli are present, none of the cakes were found to contain E. coli. Since coliforms alone generally do not cause illness when ingested, it's almost like you should thank IKEA for putting fecal bacteria in your almond cakes, or, at the very least, not sue them because nothing is wrong and we're all friends here.

Quoth a spokesperson:

"There is no health risk associated with consuming this product…However, since the product does not comply with our strict food quality standards we have decided to withdraw the concerned production batches from sale in the 23 affected countries. "

Could this be a sign that, just because a store is great at making inexpensive lighting fixtures for your dorm room, does not mean it is great at making food you should put in your body?

Whatever, the American cakes were fine.

[Telegraph / AP // Images via AP, IKEA]