The Brave New Workplace World Includes Data Sensors Monitoring Employees at All Times

In order to have a job to make enough money to buy food, clothing, shelter, and other necessities of human life, The Company is going to need a few things from you. We need you to be here on time. We need you to fill out your TPS reports. And we're gonna need to track your every move and word via electronic sensors. Mmmmkay?

In "Recent Developments That Are Inevitable And No, Not 'Creepy' at All, I Don't Know Why You Would Even Posit That," we have this WSJ report on the fact that workplaces across America are now literally strapping electronic sensors to their employees as they go about their normal workdays, in order to monitor every last thing they do ("their motions, whereabouts, voice levels and conversational patterns"), in a quest for increased "productivity." We want to emphasize that this is for your benefit, employees, so please, do not attempt to organize a resistance. It will be uncovered. You are being tracked, after all.

The Company will use this data to subtly remodel your workplace and reschedule your workday to make you more productive. This will help The Company—and what helps the The Company, of course, helps us all. Do not engage in subversive thought. Why, your coworkers do not have a problem with it:

Ben Lin, an analyst at Cubist [Pharmaceuticals, which monitored employees], says he didn't find the badges creepy once his bosses explained how the data would be used. His own report showed he changed his tone and gestures based on his conversation partner. "Subconsciously, you mirror who you are talking to," he says.

You see? Your coworker Ben supports our program. Thank you, Ben. Computer: please dispense one extra serving of soma into Ben's brain-pan.

Go along, and we'll get along. This is for your own good.

[WSJ. Photo: Ben Husmann/ Flickr]