The baddest kid you ever babysat, Justin Bieber, has had a really weird week. It kicked off last Friday with the 19th birthday he had been hyping on Twitter for days—a birthday he would later describe in a (now deleted) tweet as the "worst birthday ever." Since then, a friend on another continent has crashed his $100,000 custom car. He's been hospitalized, for either shortness of breath or drastically low levels of public sympathy. Today, he lunged at a paparazzi like a baby flying squirrel and threatened to "fucking beat the fuck out of" him. Earlier in the week, he had a kebab at 6 a.m.
It's been such a weird, action-packed few days, that even Justin Bieber might have trouble sorting it out.
Which is why we bring you: The Week in Biebz.
Friday March 1 (morning): A Sweater Made of Skin
After performing a show in Birmingham on Thursday night, Justin Bieber returns to his London hotel at 3 a.m. Despite the winter weather (the low temperature on Friday was 37°F), Bieber makes the trip from his car to the hotel shirtless, his brief-clad bottom hanging all the way out of his saggy leather sweatpants. The leather sweatpants are worn for no apparent reason, as warmth is clearly not important to him and they cause him to walk like the Unclean son of Marky Mark and a gorilla. He is later photographed eating kebabs in a Lebanese restaurant at 6 a.m.
Friday March 1 (afternoon): Bad Karma
Justin Bieber's friend Lil Twist is pulled over by police in California while driving Bieber's Fisker Karma. (Bieber received the car, rumored to have cost at least $100,000 on the Ellen show one year ago as a birthday present.) Lil Twist receives a ticket because the custom tint job on the car's windows is too dark.
Note: Lil Twist was driving another of Bieber's cars earlier this year when a paparazzo tailing him was struck and killed by another vehicle.
Friday March 1 (night): The Worst Birthday Ever
Justin Bieber is unable to enter a club with a group of his underage friends, possibly including Will Smith's 14-year-old son, Jaden. Justin Bieber observes on Twitter that this has been the "worst birthday ever."
Monday March 4: A Loofah's Lament
Justin Bieber arrives on stage two hours late (according to witnesses) or 40 minutes late (according to Justin Bieber) for a show at London's O2 Arena. The next day, Justin sends out a series of tweets blaming his lateness on "technical issues," apologizing to "anyone upset" and repeatedly remarking that his relationship with the media is not "easy."
Various British papers publish comments allegedly from concert workers who say that Bieber came onstage late because he was playing video games and then, already behind schedule, refused to perform until he had showered.
Many attendees reportedly have to leave the show before Bieber takes the stage at 10:23 (7 minutes before the show was originally scheduled to end), in order to catch trains home. Parents rip into him on Twitter.
Tuesday March 5: A BFF's Big Fuck-Up
Friend of Bieber and Enemy of Cars Lil Twist crashes the Fisker Karma he is borrowing into some cement poles at a liquor store. According to TMZ, shortly after the accident, a BMW pulls into the parking lot, and Lil Twist and his passengers pick up all the pieces that have fallen off the Fisker and put them in the BMW. The men then pull away, leaving the Fisker behind. This story is not reported in the media until Thursday.
Wednesday March 6: A Passing Gas Mask
Justin Bieber goes on an extended, intermittently coherent Twitter rant, blasting rumors (the concept) and serving God ("but know this...im only judged by one power, and i serve him").
That night, he walks into London's ritzy Mr. Chow restaurant wearing a gas mask. This is the second appearance of Bieber's gas mask on the London trip; he was also photographed wearing one while shopping on February 25. Gas masks have not been so in vogue in London since WWII.
Thursday March 7: The Fainting Couch
Justin Bieber reportedly collapses backstage during a London performance and is treated with oxygen. His manager takes the stage to announce that Justin was instructed to go to the hospital but has chosen to continue the concert FOR THE FAAAAAAAANS.
Laster, Bieber posts a shirtless picture of himself lying on a hospital bed to Instagram, with the caption "Gettin better listening to Janice Joplin."
Some people question whether the alleged collapse was a ploy to stem the wave of bad press the singer has begun receiving. Here's a video of Bieber pausing for breath shortly before exiting the stage.
Fucking Friday March Fucking 8: "I'll Fucking Beat the Fuck Out of You"
Rocked back to health by Dr.Janice Joplin, Justin Bieber is in fine fighting form. As the singer hurries from his hotel into his SUV, a paparazzo begins yelling at his security guards, who have pushed photographer out of the way in order to clear a path for Justin. All of a sudden, Justin jumps out of the car and squeaks at him: "What the fuck'd you say? What'd you say? I'll fucking beat the fuck out of you!" while a security guard "restrains" him. The effect is very Malibu's Most Wanted. TMZ has a hilarious video.
Focus on Fashion
Here is a partial list of the raiments with which Justin Bieber adorned his body during while in London:
Baggy leopard print pants (brown), baggy leopard print pants (purple), leopard print sneakers, leopard print backpack worn by both straps, a velour bomber jacket, bright blue leather drawstring sweatpants, black leather pants, very few shirts, a gas mask, Jesus' head cast in diamonds (necklace), a cream-colored knitted cardigan, a hat commemorating 1994, giant gunmetal grey angel wings (on stage), and a Brooklyn Nets baseball cap (Go Nets!).
He's due in Lisbon next Monday.