After a brief and panic-inducing sabbatical, Twinkies are coming back, now that investors have scooped them up from the dying Hostess corporation. The big question now: who can be trusted to represent this storied American chemical product?
Names being floated by the new owner include Zach Galifianakis and "the cast of 'Duck Dynasty.'" Uhhhhhh, people with beards clearly should not eat Twinkies due to the dangers of Creme Crumb Syndrome. The new owner needs some new ideas. And America needs a new hero.
WHO SHOULD BE "THE FACE OF TWINKIES?"
1. George W. Bush: Everyone wins. George gets a job, his family gets him out of the house, America gets to keep him occupied with something he's good at. There is no downside.
2. Blowfly: Probably already has some lyrics involving Twinkies. Will accept Twinkies as payment.
3. George Washington: "What does the father of his country eat when he works up an appetite from securing our freedoms and such?" *Camera cuts to team of assistants hanging off Mount Rushmore by ropes shoveling handfuls of Twinkies into the carved 'mouth' of Washington's rocky visage* "Twinkies. That's what... I'm being told legal has not cleared this spot."
4. Popular Bollywood Actress Shilpa Shetty: "Shilpa Shetty has had some exposure outside of India, most notably on the British edition of reality TV atrocity Big Brother, where she was the victim of some cruel racial slurs. If you needed any more proof that racism is wrong, there it is." A product with a message.
5. A bloated corpse: The typical end-stage Twinkies consumer.
Add YOUR suggestions in the Kinja™-brand discussion section below.