Hail, Hail: A Final Girls RecapS

If only someone died. I don't mean this as a condemnation of last night's season 2 finale because it was a wonderful episode if you like resolutions and damaged romance and crazy people the way I do. But this season has been so fraught with insidious darkness stalking the series' major characters that a death seemed inevitable. Like a cool Brooklyn death off a fire escape during a roof party, a real consequence for the foolishness of youth. But, no one, died, thankfully, and instead Shoshanna gains her independence; Jessa's off to find a better universe beyond Brooklyn; and Hannah and Marnie are rewarded for their awfulness with true love.

These girls are so lucky.

Tonight begins with Hannah, still stricken with OCD madness and e-book writer's block. Her editor is angry, waiting for her pages, and threatening to sue her for the advance if she can't deliver something soon. She's deserted her friends. Her father won't bail her out, either, and now she's all alone with her madness, waiting for the rest to fall apart. While Hannah self-immolates, the rest of the gang is struggle-fucking through their own issues. Adam and his new girlfriend are in missionary position while he spews his dirty-whore-weirdo babble trying to reach orgasm. She endures it for a bit but then she starts adjusting his heaving mass sideways and forwards to give herself some pleasure in spite of his nonsense. Ray is seen side-dogging Shoshanna tenderly, completely unaware that she's too fixated on dumping him to enjoy his efforts. Then we cut to Charlie face-deep between Marnie's legs, and she's yelping like a drunk poodle since it appears Charlie's learned the Mandarin alphabet. "When did you get so good at that?" she asks. Probably when she was off boning pudgy wedding singers, homosexuals, and It-boy artist assholes. She's so stupid.

And Marnie's hooked on shiny new Charlie, with his evasive cool, his entrepreneurialism, and his ninja cunnilingus. They have brunch and she wants to know what's up. "I can't believe you and I are having casual sex!" she barks at him from across the table. Charlie won't budge because he's Steve McQueen. Marnie causes a scene in the restaurant because UGH. "Do you want to date me or not?!!!" Amazingly, Charlie doesn't beat her with his shoe on their way out of the restaurant. Nope, he still loves her. He can't help it. He says these things in the way that make him both happy and dejected. But he's certain, the poor guy. They hug like old lovers do in the parking lot, all tears and full of relief. They're back together. So after Marnie's year of living stupidly, things finally start to make sense because here's Charlie. Hello Charlie; farewell Steve McQueen.

Now here's Ray, sitting across from Shoshanna, trying to convince himself and her that his dismal promotion at the brand new Cafe Grumpy's in Brooklyn Heights will solve every problem past and future. Shoshanna's not impressed enough or happy enough and she tells Ray that their relationship is no longer working out. Ray acts stunned but he's not. He pushes back but Shosh won't budge. His negativity is draining and she starts rattling off all a checklist of things he hates. "You hate colors! You hate pillows, You hate ribbons, You hate everything!" 8-ball. Corner pocket. Rack it. They're done. Farewell Shoshanna; hello Steve McQueen.

Hannah's wasting away at home, hiding from the world, cutting her own bangs, poorly. She gives up, gets her junkie neighbor Laird to help her fix the mess she's made of her hair. He does a fantastic job because now Hannah has a bowl cut any 1st grade boy would be happy with on picture day. She cleans up the hair with a dustpan and broom while kneeling on the floor. She's about to go dark.

"You know when you're young and you drop a glass and your dad says 'get out of the way' so you can be safe while he cleans it up..."

The shade is going down.

"Well now no one really cares if I clean it up...."

Down.

"No one cares if I cut myself with glass..."

Down.

"No one says let me take care of that."

Dark.

She lies on the floor, she's acting crazy. Laird tries to help but she makes him feel awful instead. He pushes back, calls her "self-involved and presumptuous." She knows this, she apologizes, Laird accepts, but its still too dark. Later that night she's wigging out by herself, in her bed, when she calls Adam. He's at home just breaking his weird wooden raft, acting crazy, falling apart. She accidentally calls him using face time. He sees her struggling, her weird hair, her OCD twitches.

She says she's fine, but Adam knows it's time to run over to her apartment and save her. Shirtless. The music swells. He arrives at her apartment, can't find a key, and just kicks open the door. Hannah hides under the covers in shame but she can't hide from Adam. He picks her up and cradles her just in case she drops another glass.

******

Caye Caulker, Belize —

On my 21st birthday I was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct outside the Rockin Robin bar in Bethlehem, Pa. I spent the night in a small cell next to my other drunk and disorderly friend and listened to him vomit all night. During my release the police officer wished me a happy birthday and issued me a summons for $170. "Try not to spend another birthday in jail," he said. On my 25th birthday I was working in a restaurant in Jersey and I think the waitstaff bought me a cupcake and watched me blow out the sad candle at the bar that night. My 26th birthday was my first one living in New York City. I think my girlfriend at the time took me to La Bernadin. She got drunk and ornery, though, stumbled out in an expensive dress and stuck me with the bill. I had two credit cards declined before I paid for it all with the overdraft account. I think my 33rd birthday was the year the dominatrix showed up to a party at The Magician. I was wearing a robe. She told several people at the party how she tied up my dick and spit on me in her dungeon the week before. That night she just bought me a shot of Jäger. I think those are all the ages of the major characters on Girls. Close enough.

So today is my birthday. I'm finishing this series from the back deck of this cabin I rented on this tiny island. Farewell and thanks for everything. XO, AJ.