For centuries, it has been taken for granted that America's greatest resource, black yoga pants, would exist in shameless abundance forever.
There was a time when this great land was nothing but black yoga pants. Black yoga pants for acres and acres, as far as the eye could see: a carpet of wild black yoga pants blanketing the slope of every mountain; a river of black yoga pants carving their way south to form the mighty Grand Canyon; black yoga pants of every color (of black) imaginable tumbling down from the dogwood trees every autumn. In the olden days, it was considered inhumane to feed black yoga pants to prisoners; that's how plentiful—how common—how vulgar they were.
Oh, to return to those carefree days.
Over the weekend, reports the Wall Street Journal , yoga clothing manufacturer Lululemon made a shocking announcement: a recent batch of its piping hot black yoga pants had been made too sheer. Their rump-coverage, explained Lululemon "[fell] short of our very high standards." The pants could not be sold.
For a nation where black yoga pants are considered not a right, but a given, the widespread implications of this did not at first sink in. It was as if Lululemon had released a statement saying "Unfortunately, the sky has been turned to glass," or "Tuesday has been cancelled."
Then, the company added this:
"We believe the affected items represented approximately 17% of all women's bottoms in our stores and for the near term there will be a shortage of these styles available to our guests."
Chaos. The grinding and gnashing of teeth. Mothers selling their children at the night bazaar because they can no longer provide them adequate yoga pants. A world where all is black (except the black yoga pants, which are see-through now, so everyone can see your ass a little bit when you wear them).
But it doesn't have to be this way, citizens. If, starting to today, you begin to conserve the black yoga pants Fortune has dealt you, we as a nation might be able to survive until the next batch of Lululemon black yoga pants hits stores (ASAP, according to the company's handy FAQ).
In advance of the coming shortage, every administrator of black yoga pants should institute rationing immediately. No more wearing your black yoga pants to perform yoga, obviously; that would cause too much wear and tear. No more wearing them around the house or on "seriously necessary" Starbucks runs either. Reserve your black yoga pants for only the most formal of occasions: coronations, dignitaries' funerals, etc.
Instead of throwing out your black yoga pants after you wear them, wash them. Turn off the black yoga pants before you leave the room. Don't leave the black yoga pants running while you brush your teeth.
With God's grace and our ability to adapt to problems as comfy black yoga pants adapt to our strange yoga shapes, we will persevere.
And our great nation will shine under the banner of black yoga pants forever.