Going to College Reduces Your Chances of Being a Drunk

People who are uneducated boors generally assume that college is little more than a four year-long fraternity party during which the main activity is drinking vast quantities of intoxicating liquor. That's not true at all; it takes many frat boys six years to finish college. Haha, but seriously folks, I'm not very drunk at all right now—thanks to college.

According to a study out of Penn State last week that is, as we speak, being incorporated into Spring Break 2014 marketing materials, going to college may actually make you less likely to become a drunk, provided you fall into a specific demographic category:

The researchers found that college enrollment may actually prevent adult substance abuse among youth who might not be expected to attend college because of factors such as low household income and low maternal education. Specifically, they found that adults would be more than six times more likely to engage in problem drinking at age 33 if they did not attend college, compared to if they did attend.

So if nobody expected you to go to college but you, being an inspirational young person with a heckuva lot of drive, did go to college, you are less likely to be a drunk when you are 33. But if everyone expected you to go to college, then hell, all bets are off: "we found that college enrollment does not protect against problem drinking, nor does it place individuals at risk for future problem drinking."

If you're a poor kid you must defy the odds and prove them all wrong, and possibly sell a memoir based upon your uplifting, booze-free story one day; if you're a rich kid, you're not gonna impress anybody by not drinking, so go ahead and drink in school, but keep in mind, you'd be drunk as hell even if you weren't going to school, because your father is a god damn drunk, son. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but it's true. He loves you a lot but god damn it, why do you think he never made partner?

"Can you believe a study about not drinking came out of Penn State? Ha." - Jay Leno.

[Penn State via Inside Higher Ed. Pic via.]