Drug Tests, Personality Exams, and Other Hoops You Must Jump Through to Become a Convenience Store Clerk

A reader, unemployed, emailed us today to vent his frustration at the online personality tests he was forced to take when applying for even the most menial jobs—in this case, a position working the counter at the gas station/ convenience store chain Twice Daily. "It is ludicrous," our reader said. He has a point.

We decided to fill out an online application ourselves. This is, again, for a job working the counter at a gas station. First, a few of the basic questions:

Do you object to working irregular hours?
Are you willing to travel within a 30 mile radius?
Do you object to working more than 40 hours in a work week?
Do you object to working on weekends?
Tri Star Services, LLC /Twice Daily is a Tennessee Drug Free Workplace and we are committed to providing a safe work environment and to fostering the well-being and health of our employees. Therefore, we have established pre-employment drug testing, random drug testing, post-work accident drug testing, and drug testing for reasonable cause policies. Are you willing to meet our pre-employment drug screening and drug free workplace standards?
Has your driver's license ever been revoked?
List driving violations, if any, during the past three years.

You have to agree to random drug testing both before and during employment to work at a gas station counter. Not the 500 Meter Gas Station Counter Relay in the Summer Olympics; just a regular job. (How do they expect their employees to be qualified to sell all those blunts?)

Next, you have to fill out the mandatory personality test, er, "Hiring Assessment" by clicking to indicate how much you agree with dozens of statements. "The assessment you are about to complete is designed to reflect your potential to be successful at our company." To successfully work the counter at gas station/ convenience store Twice Daily, you must have an incredibly keen sense of subtext. Some sample statements:

Too much planning on the job can get in the way of enjoying things.
I am not a very adventurous person on the job. [The value of adventurousness would seem to vary depending on whether you were, say, an artist or a nuclear engineer.]
I have never told a lie on purpose at work. [On purpose!]
Sometimes on the job I am rude to others, although I don't mean to be.
Trying new things at work is more important than following the rules.
I will tell a lie at work when I need to. [When I need to!]
There are times on the job when I've been a bit lazy.
On the job I am not a very creative person.
I have never taken advantage of any of my employers.
Trusting others on the job can be dangerous.
I like being spontaneous on the job.
I obey the law more often if there's a chance that I might get caught. ["I am someone other than Immanuel Kant."]
At work, I often procrastinate.
Most modern art is not really art. [?!?]
I always complete a job, no matter what else is happening around me. [Fires, earthquakes, bleeding bodies...]
Variety is the spice of life. [!?!]
I worry a lot about my job. [Good? No... bad?]
I never run out of energy. [Meth]

Getting a job selling Slurpees is a more invasive process than becoming a Congressman.