Professional dick-doodler Perez Hilton is now a father. This would be worthy of a long major-city newspaper profile if he'd impregnated Rosie O'Donnell with their love child, or if he pushed the child out of his penis like a kidney stone, or if he openly identified a homeless Sunset Strip crackhead as the surrogate. (BTW, any potential leads on the anonymous womb's owner should be directed here.) But none of these things have happened, yet here we are, with a 1500-word profile in today's Los Angeles Times about how new daddy Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr.—once the MOST HATED gossip blogger in Hollywood—is softer, kinder, gentler, and FITTER.

On behalf of the LA Times, let us count the ways he is softer:

"I don't have to give people nasty nicknames anymore," the 34-year-old blogger said. "I don't have to say people are stupid, or people are fat, or people are ugly. I don't need to draw inappropriate things on photos or out people. I can still be sassy and fun and do my job."

And kinder:

He is no longer the Perez Hilton who drew the wrath of many gays by outing closeted celebrities, and infuriated paparazzi agencies by helping himself to their photos. He is not the same guy who insulted Miss USA runner-up Carrie Prejean, or spat an anti-gay slur at

Yes he is, BUT DON'T LET THAT DISTRACT YOU because he is also gentler:

But most striking is the way he's cradling a 2-week-old baby, a preemie who was born to a secret surrogate four weeks early. During a two-hour interview that involves a long bottle feeding and plenty of new dad tears, he never lets his fragile son out of his arms.

And FITTER, which genuinely seems to be the most important thing. To accompany the Times article, Perez has posted a high-res gallery of photos with his brand-new prop son. Out of the 40 photos, 12 are shirtless and four are taken in the bathtub, with daddy in his skivvies.

You cannot imagine the restraint it took not to republish these with penis doodles everywhere. Oops.

[LA Times // Photos to send to Child Protective Services via Charles Fuoco/]