What to Do and Where to Laser Tag: A Guide to Prince Harry's Spring Break American Party Tour

On Monday, Clarence House announced/warned that Britain's Prince Harry would return to the United States in May for the first time since his infamous buck naked billiards Las Vegas trip last August.

This tour will be a short one (May 9 - May 15th), and though it's a little later than the traditional Spring Break vacay, it certainly doesn't mean the Prince can't have a ton of fun.

So throw on your DayGlo Kanye West shutter shades, swim up to the pool bar to order a Bahama Mama, and let's take a look at his itinerary:

Washington, D.C.
Prince Harry's trip will kick off Thursday, May 9 with a visit to the nation's capital, where his scheduled appearances include "an exhibition on Capitol Hill on landmine clearance." After viewing the exhibition, Prince Harry should lead a Q&A on the difference between landmines and grenades, then invite a Supreme Court volunteer docent back to his hotel for "an exhibition of MY D. You're 21, right? Wait! It's better if I don't know."

Thursday night is Ladies Night at Bar Cöde D.C. where, through a quirk of gender equality, there is no cover for women or men all night (Everyone Night!). Dress code is "classy casual," like a top hat and flip flops; menu items include Bar Cöde Salad and Spinach and Artichoke Dip.

Laser tag option: Ultrazone Laser Tag in Falls Church, VA

Colorado
From D.C., Harry will fly to Colorado for the 2013 Warrior Games, a Paralympic event for wounded veterans that is unrelated to The Hunger Games. He's also scheduled to attend a reception for the British Consul-General in Denver, except, halfway through the meal, Harry's aides will notice that the man they thought was the prince is actually a crude scarecrow wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and a ketchup smile. The real Prince Harry is celebrating 39 years of family fun over a plate of Fajitas! Grandes for One at Denver's Casa Bonita, where a professional entertainer performs a cliff dive every hour, on the half hour.

Laser tag option: American Paintball Coliseum in Denver, CO

New Jersey
After bargaining his bed time up to 11 so he can catch the final dive show at 10 p.m. ("Nigel, you gotta watch this guy dive! It is literally so amazing!"), Prince Harry will fly back east to the beaches of New Jersey, which he regularly patrols in his capacity as an FBI agent. While there, he will visit what his spokesman describes as "an area badly affected by Hurricane Sandy" and probably say something like "I love the way you've set up that roller coaster in the ocean. Poseidon's Playground. Brilliant!"

Laster tag option: The Penalty Box, Wall Township, NJ

New York City
In New York City, Prince Harry will learn about baseball from some major league stars, so that at least one person on his godforsaken home island will know how to properly throw a baseball. He will promote British businesses at an event for the "GREAT Britain" campaign, which is sort of like if someone came over to your house for dinner, then spent the whole meal giving a PowerPoint presentation on the delicious dinners they make at home. He will also attend a fundraising benefit for the Royal Foundation, a charity that helps underprivileged royals. Just kidding; it's a real charity.

Laster tag option: Q-Zar on Long Island

Connecticut
On May 15, Prince Harry will experience life as a true blue Nutmegger when he heads to Greenwich to play polo in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. Proceeds from the event will go to Prince Harry's Sentebale Charity, which benefits children in the African country of Lesotho. Not that you need a reason to play polo!

Laser tag option: Sports Center of Connecticut in Shelton, CT

Undisclosed Location
A rousing game of full contact horse hockey concludes Prince Harry's schedule of official engagements. He'll probably fly home, but not before slipping the pilot a $50 to make a stop at an undisclosed location.

[Clarence House / Telegraph. Image by Jim Cooke.]