Everybody knows the rules of binge drinking and bro-habitating: When you pass out anywhere beside your bed after a night of beer bongs and body shots and yelling at sports, you are fair game for a variety of pranks. You may wake up surrounded by stupidly placed bananas, or with cigarettes up your nose, or bearing a crude map of pee-pees all over your forehead. This is just the way it is.
If you don't agree to these wildly immature tenets of roommate juvenilia, you have many other choices. You can find a place alone, you can refrain from allowing yourself to get blind drunk, you can maintain a relationship with a significant other who won't allow others to decorate your skin with wangs, or you can Grow Up.
The rules are all very easy and straightforward and as a bro-habitator, you accept their implications. That is, unless you are the Shittiest Roommate Ever.
The Shittiest Roommate Ever is James Denham Watson, a 31-year-old living in Virginia who apparently got completely wasted last Saturday night, passed out on the couch, and woke up to find a bevy of dicks drawn on his face.
Ha-ha. A bevy of dicks!
Except Watson wasn't laughing. He wasn't quietly plotting a subsequent retaliatory game of Hide the Dookie. He didn't hazily acknowledge Owww, my head, I should probably get off the couch and move to my bed like a grown man and then later rethink this whole weekend warrior approach to "fun" because I now have DICKS ALL OVER MY FACE.
No, instead, Watson reportedly did something very messed up.
Police say that Watson, suspecting his roommate, ran upstairs to where the roommate was sleeping and jumped on top of him, repeatedly punching him in the face. The commotion awakened a third roommate, who managed to separate the two.
The victim reportedly waited about an hour and a half to call the police while deciding whether or not to press charges. He did end up calling for help and police charged Watson with malicious wounding. The injured man's eye was swollen shut and bleeding, so the third roommate drove him to the hospital for treatment, according to police.
But have they let him wash his face?