Pepsi Bottles Have a Sporty New Shape and Every Thing Is Different NowS

Finally, a Pepsi bottle appropriate for your high-octane lifestyle.

For the first time since 1996, 16 and 20 oz. Pepsi bottles are getting a redesign, aimed at, according to the press release, "capturing the excitement of now."

In shape form, "the excitement of now" apparently manifests itself as "jacked on steroids."

This historic new Pepsi bottle is top heavy. Instead of curves, it's got angles. It's like the old, bullet-shaped bottle, went away to basketball camp at the end of eighth grade and came back a foot taller, bulging with muscles and camp secrets.

In the words of the New York Daily News, the new bottle, like the countless Americans who will flock to it like hummingbirds to a sugar water feeder, "features boxier lines, a swirled grip bottom and is squatter than its curvier predecessor." A shortened wraparound label will expose more of the product (brown liquid) to consumers.

Basically, this new Pepsi bottle is intense.

Picture this: You're at the gym, squatting squats, and on your 200th rep, realize you're thirsty enough to eat a horse. You double-time jog over to your duffel bag, reach in and grab—grab, goddamnit, really grab—a 20-oz bottle of Pepsi. You just fucking grip the shit out of it because, oh my God, this bottle (the bottom) is so easy to grip now. You throw back your head and crush the plastic in on itself, as the taste born in the Carolinas washes over you like a tsunami. There is Pepsi everywhere. You can't breathe. You are powered by #pepsi. You chug until you're about to black out—your brain is screaming for oxygen—then dump the last half of the bottle (you can't believe you only drank half; Pepsi is an endless bountiful resource) over your head, a modified Gatorade shower, because your are the coach of your own winning team, and the game you have just won is life. Hair and face dripping with soda, you snatch up your duffel and, wow, the nylon handles feel like wet noodles in your hands compared to the unbeatable grippability of an official Pepsi-brand bottle. Pepsi-strong, you bound out of the gym and into the glaring daylight, taking care to watch for bees.

This is life in the New America.

Also, I guess if Pepsi is releasing new bottles, all the old bottles are officially collectible, so now everyone is rich.

This, too, is life in the New America.

Thank you, Pepsi.

[NYDN // Image via Pepsi]