Last week, the headmaster's nephew Justin Bieber flew to Munich to put on a few performances as part of his world tour. He brought almost all the important things with him: his shoe, his passport, his baby capuchin monkey. Unfortunately, he didn't bring one very, very important thing: the necessary clearance forms so that he would be allowed to bring the monkey in and out of Germany. (Who knew you needed "animal clearance forms" for a friend? What a world.)
The monkey, whose name is OG Mally ("OG" presumably stands for "Original Gangsta," which is heartbreaking because it suggests that, even as Justin Bieber's eyes lit up the moment he cradled his baby monkey for the first time—a week ago—he realized he would inevitably burn through this and all subsequent pet monkeys like tissues. He saw himself forgetting Mally II in a bathroom backstage in Zurich. He saw Mally III's tiny paw slipping from his hand as they played a game of "Fly, Mally, Fly" out the side of the tour bus window on the way to the Johannesburg airport. And so on. But the first Mally—the Original Mally—this Mally's abrupt disappearance would hurt most of all), was seized by German customs officials at the airport, and placed under quarantine.
On Tuesday, the animal shelter where Mally is being held announced it would give Justin Bieber (who's performing tonight in Frankfurt) four weeks to return to Munich with the necessary paperwork to claim his original gangsta; otherwise the monkey will be remanded to a European zoo that is not an irresponsible teenaged popstar.
So, for now, Mally is stuck waiting for his mother Justin Bieber—a single teen parent, just doing the best he can—to come rescue him from the weird place with new smells and tastes. What's he doing to pass the time?
He is being very rude, sticking out his tongue at everyone.
All the time.
He is finally putting the tongue back in his mouth ("with apologies for my earlier rudeness; I just feel very nervous").
Then sticking it out again.
He is hugging a bear that reminds him of 2012.
He is also licking the bear.
He is hugging some hair that he found.
He is eating a little fruit snack. It tastes like "safe" and he likes it.
Shelter officials have remarked that, at 14 weeks old, Mally was far too young to have been separated from his mother (the one he had before Justin Bieber).