It's already begun: The wacko conspiracy theories about the Boston Marathon bombings are taking over the internet. (In fact, "it" began only 30 minutes after the explosions, when conspiracy kingpin Alex Jones pre-emptively declared it a "False Flag" attack.) Here's our rundown of the most popular—which is to say the dumbest—conspiracy theories and general internet horseshit.
The False Flag Attack
The theory is: the Boston Marathon bombings were a "false flag" attack perpetrated by the government and used an excuse "to take our civil liberties and promote homeland security while sticking their hands down our pants on the streets."
Who is posting about this on Facebook and Twitter: Alex Jones, the wackadoo radio host and conspiracy monger; the staffs of his websites, InfoWars and PrisonPlanet; your weird uncle who always wears a POW/MIA bandana.
Time between bombings and first accusation: 30 minutes.
Did a pro wrestler ask a question about this at a Boston Police Department press conference last night: Yes. "Bionic" Dan Bidondi, an InfoWars radio host and small-time pro wrestler from Providence, R.I., managed to get into last night's BPD press conference and ask the question that was on everyone's mind: "Is this another false flag staged attack to take our civil liberties and promote homeland security while sticking their hands down our pants on the streets?"
The Roof Guy
The theory is: This one is not so much a "theory" as a blurry picture taken after the bombing by spectator Dan Lampariello, in which a figure can be seen on a roof in the distance. Literally just a guy on a roof.
Who is posting about this on Facebook and Twitter: Twitter user "Darth Fawkes" (now suspended); "@Fraank_Oceaan, a parody Twitter for singer Frank Ocean"; your little sister; several actual, genuine news outlets have written SEO-bait stories.
Is it true that janky low-standards Twitter accounts like YourAnonNews deleted their tweets about this stupid photo last night and yet theoretically serious news organizations like Yahoo! and ABC still wrote stories about it this morning: Yep.
Time between bombings and first accusation: One hour
Did a pro wrestler ask a question about this at a Boston Police Department press conference last night: No, but, someone (most likely not a wrestler) asked about the photo at a press conference this morning.
This is just a guy watching the marathon from his roof, isn't it: Yes.
He looks like bigfoot more than anything: Basically, yes.
The theory is: Many of the photographed victims of the bombings were "crisis actors," hired by the government to pretend to be casualties. Just like Sandy Hook.
Who is posting about this on Facebook and Twitter: Your cousin who's off his meds.
Time between bombings and first accusation: 20 minutes
The government planned the bombing, just like Sandy Hook. They use "crisis actors" and then Obama acts like he cares about America. #leave— Rachel Gates (@rotchgates) April 15, 2013
Family Guy Predicted the Bombing
The theory is: Family Guy predicted the Boston Marathon bombings in an episode from last month.
Who is posting about this on Facebook and Twitter: Your dad, after he hit a button somewhere.
Time between bombings and first accusation: 12 hours.
PREDICTIVE PROGRAMMING Family Guy Episode Predicted Boston Marathon Attack: youtu.be/gmGNtasS_3Q WHAT ARE THE ODDS!!!!!???— The Revolutionary (@EricSaenz4) April 16, 2013
But... why: I mean, if you even have to ask.