7-Eleven Serving Assholes Drinks in Mason Jar Cups and Mustache Straws

7-Eleven would like to charge you $.99 for a plastic straw with a mustache on it, or if you are feeling especially bad about yourself, $2.99 for one that comes with a little plastic mason jar. You too can look like you went to a well-regarded state school, shop organic, and worry vaguely about politics.

It's hard to know just who to blame for this. According to the 7-Eleven, the mustache-ification of your Slurpee was inevitable, like death:

It was only a matter of time. They're seemingly everywhere – on party supplies, clothing, jewelry, candy, decals, at 'stache bashes, in party photo booths, even on cars and baby pacifiers.

Now, mustaches are on Slurpee® drink straws too, the perfect accompaniment to this summer's new, novelty Slurpee cup – a 26-ounce refillable, plastic Mason jar mug. Both on-trend Slurpee accessories, sold separately, are made for summer fun and available exclusively at participating 7-Eleven® stores.

Or maybe it's Nick Offerman and Parks & Recreation's fault:

"People in our office have unofficially named the four mustache styles," Gordon said. "The British, the handlebar, the Hogan after wrestler Hulk Hogan, and the Swanson, as in Ron Swanson, a character on NBC's "Parks and Recreation" sit-com series played by Nick Offerman. I think it will be interesting to see which mustaches sell best. Of course, people can buy all four to match their Slurpee moods or if they want to slurp incognito."

If you buy one, even "ironically" or "as a joke" (liars), know that it will not bode well for you come the revolution.

[H/T The Wire; Image via 7-Eleven]