A Full House Divided: How Sweet Michelle Tanner Grew to Hate Her Family

Last week, former rock band frontman and current yogurt salesman “Uncle” Jesse Katsopolis fired off an irate tweet about his adopted niece, the actress and fashion designer Michelle Tanner. While Uncle Jesse raised Michelle from infancy alongside her father, Danny, and a host of tenuously- or unrelated children and… » 5/04/15 2:00pm 46 minutes ago

Why Scientific American's Predictions from 10 Years Ago Were So Wrong

Recently, we did an experiment: We took an outdated issue of a respected popular science magazine, Scientific American, and researched exactly what happened to the highly-touted breakthroughs of the era that would supposedly change everything. What we discovered is just how terrible we are at predicting the long arc… » 5/04/15 1:50pm 56 minutes ago

Behold the Stupidest Government Report EVER

The drought in America is historic, affecting more than 30 percent of the United States and 37 percent of the lower 48 states. My friend, John Fleck , who used to write about nukes at the Albuquerque Journal, is the doyen of all things water in the west, and when we met last year in New Mexico, he put the fear of God… » 5/04/15 1:30pm Today 1:30pm

When We All Relocate to Space, At Least We'll Have Espresso

At parties—which I go to a lot—the question is often raised: if you were to travel to space, what would be the one earthly thing you’d have trouble giving up? FRESH COFFEE, we all yell. Samantha Cristoforetti, an Italian astronaut at the International Space Station, has proven that we will never have to go without… » 5/04/15 12:55pm Today 12:55pm

Rick Santorum Would Like to Clarify That He Is Indeed Still a Dick

A few days ago, former and forever presidential hopeful Rick Santorum offered some seemingly (and uncharacteristically) supportive words on Bruce Jenner’s decision to come out as a transgender woman. But now, Santorum has one little thing he’d like to add: Don’t worry, I’m still a dick. » 5/04/15 12:25pm Today 12:25pm

Governor Vows to Defend Texas Against Insane Imaginary Obama Invasion

Texans can now proudly say that their state not only boasts the Biggest Tacos and Tallest Beers, but a governor willing to waste tax dollars on a batshit make-believe martial law conspiracy theory. » 5/04/15 12:14pm Today 12:14pm

A Closer Look at Game of Thrones Season Five, Episode Four

As we did last season and so far this season, we’ve put together a list of scenes, references, and characters that deserve a special comment or mention. There’s no way we got all the good stuff (and we might be wrong on some of the things we’ve left below)—so please help expand our appendix. » 5/04/15 11:58am Today 11:58am

John Oliver Clowns Bud Light and Floyd Mayweather in Single Blow 

After Bud Light canned its ill-conceived new ad campaign glorifying sexual assault, all that was left for Last Week Tonight to do was to join the pile-on of burns on the disgusting beer’s foul taste, with John Oliver sneaking in a Floyd Mayweather own. » 5/04/15 11:48am Today 11:48am

Guy at JFK With $19,000 Worth of Coke in His Butt Isn't Fooling Anyone

In this politically charged atmosphere, we rarely hear of U.S. border-patrol success stories. So let us commend the intrepid customs agents who bravely saved a bevy of junior Goldman VPs from huffing a pound of artisanal taint-roasted blow after it nestled near this nervous flier’s anus. » 5/04/15 11:27am Today 11:27am

De Blasio Proposes Giving $33 Million to Struggling NYC Public Schools

Here we go again: that liberal jerkoff with his hands in all our pockets, Bill “Tallest Man on Earth” de Blasio, has decided to dedicate $33 million of his upcoming proposed budget to struggling and underfunded public schools. What about that golden promenade we were promised? And the envelopes full of cash? » 5/04/15 10:55am Today 10:55am