Is Sure This Adidas Shirt's an Islamo-Mexican Terror Rug

Heard the news? If you only consume the mainstream media's Obamaflecting pulp, probably not: There are Muslims sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border. The scary kind, who pray. How do we know? Because always-patriotic, never-delusional anti-government militiamen have a picture of their prayer rug. » 7/10/14 2:20pm 8 minutes ago

Battle of the Twitter Teen Mystics: Jaden vs. Willow

Yesterday, after reading Rich's post about Willow Smith and "those systematic French fries the government feeds us," I noticed that, much like her brother Jaden, she too has accepted Smithology as her one and true religion and is fated to spread its teachings across the globe. I then wondered: Is Willow better at… » 7/10/14 2:10pm 17 minutes ago

A Not at All Disturbing Photo of Khloe Kardashian Holding a Machine Gun

Here is a photo I can't stop thinking about: Khloe Kardashian and her boyfriend French Montana on the set of the video for his new song "Don't Panic" wearing diabolical opera masks and holding what appear to be some sort of (fake) machine guns (disclaimer: I know nothing about guns). » 7/10/14 1:31pm 56 minutes ago

Germany Kicks Top CIA Official Out of the Country

Germany announced today that it's asked the top CIA official at the U.S. embassy in Berlin to leave the country. The expulsion comes just days after German officials launched investigations two possible U.S. spies have been investigated in Germany. » 7/10/14 1:22pm Today 1:22pm

This Is Not Whitney Houston

Via Entertainment Weekly, it is America's Next Top Model Cycle 3 first-runner-up-turned-actress Yaya DCcosta as Whitney Houston in Angela Bassett's upcoming biopic for Lifetime (set to air in early 2015). The cover of Houston's 1987 sophomore album, Whitney, is the reference point: » 7/10/14 1:13pm Today 1:13pm

Google Launches $100 M. VC Fund in Europe While Under EU Investigation

The only way Google could be in worse trouble with European regulators right now is if Larry Page signed the order to wiretap Angela Merkel's phone himself. NSA revelations have hurt Google's European contracts and antitrust investigations are multiplying like Gremlins. » 7/10/14 1:10pm Today 1:10pm

DC Uber Driver Kidnaps Passenger, Takes Him On High Speed Police Chase

Uber may have instituted a $1 "Safe Rides Fee" in April, but its background checks remain trivial to get around. Now their lax standards have resulted in another kidnapping. This time, a scofflaw driver in Washington D.C. took a group of out-of-town visitors for a "wild ride." » 7/10/14 12:55pm Today 12:55pm

16-Year-Old's Rape Goes Viral Because Human Beings Are Terrible

The recorded rape of a Houston area teen has gone viral on social media, sparking its own mocking hashtag on Twitter and sending humanity spiraling ever more rapidly toward its inevitable and rapidly approaching self-inflicted demise. » 7/10/14 12:42pm Today 12:42pm

Britney Spears Before Auto-Tune Is Just As Bad As You Imagined

This is allegedly a leaked, unaltered recording of Britney Spears singing "Alien"—from her 2013 album Britney Jean—without the benefit of Auto-Tune, pitch correction, or any of the other studio tricks that featured heavily on the album. It sounds a teeny bit different from the finished track. » 7/10/14 12:25pm Today 12:25pm

Paris Hilton Doesn't Eat Fast Food Anymore So Literally Don't Even Ask

"Paris Hilton." The words bring to mind certain images: french fries, hamburgers, chicken nuggets, Whoppers, Big Macs, chicken sandwiches, remember chicken fries?, coffee in thick styrofoam. But not anymore. The known person has given up fast food, and you won't believe how she can feel the difference. » 7/10/14 11:49am Today 11:49am