Here Are the Things That Tim Cook Could Bring to Russia, Besides Ebola

Happy National Tim Cook Coming Out Day! How have you been celebrating? I have been reading the angry responses from homophobic assholes, like this prick and this one. In times like these, it feels prudent to note that f you are a man who has not sucked dick, you are no authority on what it feels like to have a guy's… » 10/30/14 12:48pm 9 minutes ago

NRA's Leader Warns of "Sprees of Murder and Mayhem" as Elections Near

NRA frontman and "jackbooted thugs" scholar Wayne LaPierre has a new cover story out in an Election Day edition of the group's magazine, America's First Freedom. The gist: "Vote Your Guns In November," because so much danger is closing in on Obama's America you should be shitting yourself with fear. » 10/30/14 12:39pm 18 minutes ago

10 Pretty Fun, Basically Pleasant Hours of Walking in NYC as a Man

Sure, walking down the street as a woman comes with constant catcalls and unwanted attention, microaggressions that add up to an uncomfortable experience no matter how benign any single incident may appear. But have you tried being a man? It's awesome! » 10/30/14 12:25pm 32 minutes ago

2 Dead, 5 Missing After Small Plane Crashes at Wichita Airport 

A small plane has crashed into a building at Wichita's Mid-Continent Airport. According to KSN, a Beechcraft King Air plane lost one of its engines during takeoff and crashed into a two-story building attempting to return to the runway. One person has been reported critically injured; 10 people are unaccounted for. » 10/30/14 12:03pm 54 minutes ago

Farrah Abraham Dressed Up as Frozen's Elsa to Sell Molds of Her Asshole

Teen mom, sex novelist, and frozen yogurt salesman Farrah Abraham had the bright idea to dress up like Elsa from Disney's Frozen to hawk molds of her vagina and asshole at Hustler in Hollywood this week. Happy Halloween, these photos are spooky as hell! » 10/30/14 11:51am Today 11:51am

Airlines Are Pursuing a Business Strategy of Torturing Passengers

Some years ago, the airline industry set itself on the path towards its current record profits by shrinking seats more, and more, and more. What does the future hold for airlines? More shrinking seats. » 10/30/14 11:42am Today 11:42am

GOP Rallies Florida Voters by Calling Campus Rape Culture a "Lie"

Florida Republicans organized a get-out-the-vote rally in Sarasota Tuesday night to help tip a tight governor's race in conservative Rick Scott's favor. First, the 700 ralliers heard from Bobby Jindal. Then, they applauded a right-wing radio host who called rape culture "nonsense" from "the feminist left." » 10/30/14 11:35am Today 11:35am

The Mayor Discovers a Fondness for Prostitutes on Nashville

Nashville mayor Teddy Conrad is trying VERY hard to be a cool parent. And really, what says "cool dad" more than leaving your daughters to fend for themselves as you cultivate a relationship with your future blackmailer, skinnydip with prostitutes, and ignore their calls for help? » 10/30/14 11:16am Today 11:16am

Staten Island Paper: We'll Endorse This Asshole, But We Won't Like It

The Staten Island Advance was presented with a tough choice in its district's upcoming House race. Michael Grimm, the incumbent, was indicted on federal fraud charges and once threatened to throw a reporter off a balcony. Domenic Recchia, his challenger, seems even dumber than him. Apparently, neither has ever read a… » 10/30/14 11:08am Today 11:08am

You Suck Ass Drake: A Taxonomy of Thirsty Celebrity Instagram Comments

Alongside your selfies and sunsets, beneath your puppy pics and above your cat closeups, there exists a world where the extraordinary and ordinary commingle. A world where princes are treated like paupers and paupers act like princes. A world where, if Beyoncé would just plsss scroll down, you'd be able to properly… » 10/30/14 11:00am Today 11:00am

AHHHH: Natalie Wood's Ghost Possibly Haunting Her Former Boat

The investigation into Natalie Wood's death was reopened in 2011, and in 2012 her death certificate was amended to list her cause of death as "drowning and other undetermined factors." The "undetermined factors" (Robert Wagner, Christopher Walken) still have yet to be determined, mostly because police have yet to… » 10/30/14 10:48am Today 10:48am

"The Milk Sprayer" Blasts Your Face With Breast Milk Before Robbing You

German police are currently on the bizarre case of woman who allegedly abets robberies by spraying people with breast milk, distracting them while others apparently steal money. The woman, dubbed "The Milk Sprayer" by police (really!), recently hit a Darmstadt pharmacy , blasting two employees. » 10/30/14 10:35am Today 10:35am

No One Bought Kendall and Kylie Jenner's Terrible Dystopian Sci-Fi Novel

A nice lesson for teenage Kardashian daughters Kendall and Kylie Jenner might be that it's fun to explore your passions without consideration for subsequent monetary gain. Perhaps that's the takeaway from the news that the teens' dystopian sci-fi novel, Rebels: City of Indra, sold approximately 0 copies. » 10/30/14 9:56am Today 9:56am

This Could Be the Year You Quit Wasting 91,980 Minutes Behind the Wheel

Each year the average American spends 1,533 hours driving a car — 64 full days of getting from point A to point B. That's equivalent to watching every episode of Breaking Bad 32.6 times (don't put it past me). As a driver, it's your duty to own this potential, and lots of car companies are already willing to help you… » 10/30/14 12:00pm 57 minutes ago

You Suck Ass Drake: A Taxonomy of Thirsty Celebrity Instagram Comments

Alongside your selfies and sunsets, beneath your puppy pics and above your cat closeups, there exists a world where the extraordinary and ordinary commingle. A world where princes are treated like paupers and paupers act like princes. A world where, if Beyoncé would just plsss scroll down, you'd be able to properly… » 10/30/14 11:00am Today 11:00am