Don't Ever Call the Cops on Yourself, Even When You're High as Shit

I think my teddy bear knows I’m high. Do I stink? I think I stink. There’s something really foreboding about the shape of that telephone. I bet it was made in a bad factory. God, I’m a fraid. Maybe if I just put on Planet Earth, I’ll feel better. A fraid? Unless it’s the episode with the fish. Afraid. God, I’m so… »10/06/15 6:04pm38 minutes ago

How ESPN's Fear Of The Truth Defeated "Black Grantland"

Last month, The Atlantic published an 18,000-word article by Ta-Nehisi Coates called “The Black Family in the Age of Mass Incarceration.” It was the second epic piece in what appears to be a series in which Coates examines the toll of white supremacy as American policy on black life in the United States. The article… »10/06/15 5:18pmToday 5:18pm

Bratayley Family Asks That We Respect Their Privacy, Watch Their Son's Funeral Livestream

“The Bratayleys,” a stage name for the super-viral middle-class Maryland version of the Kardashians, recently suffered the horrid loss of their 13-year-old YouTube star son, Caleb. They’d asked that we respect the family’s privacy for the time being—oh, and make sure to tune in to the dead teen’s memorial! »10/06/15 4:30pmToday 4:30pm

Ben Carson Wouldn't Meet UCC Shooting Victims' Families This Time, But "Would Go to the Next One"

Earlier today, current non-Trump GOP frontrunner Ben Carson went on Fox and Friends to complain about President Obama’s “politicizing” of the Oregon shooting tragedy. And as with all of Ben Carson’s interviews—he probably would have been better off staying home. »10/06/15 4:12pmToday 4:12pm

A Southern-Fried Sleepover at New York’s First Chick-Fil-A, Or How I Won a Year’s Supply of Chicken

Winning enough Chick-fil-A® chicken sandwiches, iced tea, and medium Classic Sides to fill a man’s grave is easy. All you have to do is line up on the sidewalk for three hours with 300 people while the lead-colored sky bleeds into black night; while stinging rain, flung down from heaven by an angry God and then up,… »10/06/15 3:35pmToday 3:35pm

How Can Will Smith Work Alongside Jared Leto for Six Months Without Ever Meeting Jared Leto?

“How can Will Smith work alongside Jared Leto for six months without ever meeting Jared Leto?” It’s a classic riddle—one which has teased the brains of newborn and elderly alike for eons. “A river,” you guess, like an idiot. “A coffin,” you guess, like another idiot. “The surgeon is his mother.” No. »10/06/15 3:26pmToday 3:26pm

White People Control All the Power in Silicon Valley

A new report finds that Silicon Valley’s power structure, the conduits that determine which technologies will shape the fabric of society, is comprised of a representative mix of the people who use them. Ha ha, of course not, ha ha. »10/06/15 3:00pmToday 3:00pm

Who's the Boss's Danny Pintauro Says He Contracted HIV Through Oral Sex

Danny Pintauro, who played squeak-voiced Jonathan on the classic ‘80s sitcom Who’s the Boss, recently came out as HIV positive on an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now?, and was subsequently barraged with idiotic questions that revealed new sides to the deep ignorance of Candace Cameron Bure on The View (“I want to… »10/06/15 2:16pmToday 2:16pm

Here's What a $1.3 Million Bribe (Allegedly) Buys a Top United Nations Official With a Taste For the Good Life

On Tuesday, federal prosecutors indicted John Ashe, the former president of the U.N. General Assembly, on charges that he’d received close to $1.3 million in bribes from Chinese real estate developers. But far more interesting than the allegations of corruption (yawn) are the items he’s accused of purchasing with the… »10/06/15 2:05pmToday 2:05pm

Today's Best Deals: Fancy Pants, Rechargeable Batteries, and More

Here are the best of today’s deals. Get every great deal every day on Kinja Deals, follow us on Facebook and Twitter to never miss a deal, join us on Kinja Gear to read about great products, and on Kinja Co-Op to help us find the best. »10/06/15 1:15pmToday 1:15pm