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This Week In Tabloids: Kylie and Tyga Are Literally Allegedly Married

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we think about Reese Witherspoon’s husband for the first time in two years, rewatch the dashcam footage of her arrest, and keep repeating “I am a U.S. citizen” in her voice while thinking, “You know what? I sort of wish she had won the Oscar for Wild.” This week: Julia Roberts and… » 7/29/15 1:57pm 31 minutes ago

U. of Cincinnati Cop Indicted in Traffic Stop Killing, Video Released

University of Cincinnati police officer Ray Tensing has been charged with murder in the killing of Sam DuBose, a black man, during a traffic stop two weeks ago. Prosecutors today announced the indictment and released video from Tensing’s body camera that shows him shooting DuBose in the head. » 7/29/15 1:35pm 54 minutes ago

Afghan Intelligence: Taliban Leader Mullah Omar Died Two Years Ago

According to Afghanistan’s main intelligence agency, Mullah Mohammad Omar, the Talibans’ spiritual leader turned “secretive head” and lead insurgent after the September 11 attacks, died over two years ago. And as of right now, it’s unclear exactly why it’s taken so long to report the death of the former Bin Laden… » 7/29/15 12:53pm Today 12:53pm

Vacation Is an Impressive Trifecta of Mean, Dumb, and Ugly

You can be mean, or you can be dumb, but only one of the two. Really, you can technically be whatever you want, but if you are both mean and dumb, you’re going to have an extremely hard time making it in a world where success often depends greatly on the ability to connect with other people. Immense beauty can render… » 7/29/15 12:26pm Today 12:26pm

New Jail Footage Shows Sandra Bland Was Alive During Booking

Officials in Waller County, Texas, have released new jail footage showing that Sandra Bland, the woman who was arrested during a traffic stop and died in jail under suspicious circumstances, was alive during the booking process. The county also produced “several hours” of footage of Bland in jail, showing her sleeping… » 7/29/15 12:13pm Today 12:13pm

Reports on Sandra Bland's Posthumous THC Levels Riddled With Bad Science

There is something very off about a recent story circulated by the Associated Press on Sandra Bland’s toxicology report, which was released on Monday. It was mostly republished by right-of-center publications like the New York Post and Fox News, with little interest from the mainstream media—presumably because the… » 7/29/15 11:51am Today 11:51am

Donald Trump Is Straight-Up Disgusted by Breast Milk

It’s safe, at this point, to say that presidential candidate and human Kewpie doll Donald Trump is not a fan of Mexico or its people. But surely he has some begrudging respect—or even admiration—for women with functioning breasts? It might surprise you to learn—or maybe it won’t—but he’s not a fan of those either.
» 7/29/15 11:35am Today 11:35am

Tillie Said She Gave Big-Dicked Murderer Hand Jobs Underneath Huge Coat

It’s been quite the week for Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell. Yesterday, she pleaded guilty to helping convicted murderers Richard Matt and David Sweat escape from prison. And today, we learned that the she told investigators that she gave Matt—the allegedly big-dicked escapee—at least one blow job and several secret hand jobs » 7/29/15 11:11am Today 11:11am

Jimmy Kimmel Chokes Up Over Cecil the Lion (Technically a Stranger)

On last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live, the eponymous Jimmy Kimmel tore apart that lion-killing, rich dentist motherfucker everyone tweeted about yesterday. While urging viewers to visit the Wild Conservation Research Union’s website, Kimmel got all choked up. Touching, I guess, but—Kimmel, my man, did you even know that… » 7/29/15 10:37am Today 10:37am

How to Craft the Perfect Sex Playlist (Plus Some Song Recommendations)

The right soundtrack has the power to elevate sex from good to mind-boggling. But if you’ve ever hooked up with someone who put on what was obviously a meticulously-arranged “sex playlist”, you also know that music has the potential to make your encounter a bit awkward. Here’s how to achieve the former rather than the… » 7/29/15 9:56am Today 9:56am

Is Ben Affleck Dating the Nanny?

She was looking for some work—she didn’t want a fling—when she got a nanny job with Ben and Jen this spring. What was she to do, what was she to say, she needed the money. But over the next few months her bosses went to war—she was there to watch the children, but their father saw more. She had youth! Jen went poof!… » 7/29/15 9:44am Today 9:44am

Zut Alors: Disneyland Paris Under Investigation for Overcharging Germans

The French can have a reputation for being, how do you say, less-than-hospitable to les foreigners. The French at Disneyland Paris are, authorities say, even worse: they’ve allegedly been charging foreigners as much as double the ticket price for the privilege of touring Cinderella’s chateau. » 7/29/15 9:25am Today 9:25am

Chris Christie on Drug Policy: Smoke 'Em While You Got 'Em, Hemp Heads

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie—a man who seems to sincerely believe he could become president—took a brief hiatus from Falstaffian misadventures on Tuesday to discuss drug enforcement under a fictional Christie administration, addressing the nation’s dope smokers and grass fiends directly. » 7/28/15 7:35pm Yesterday 7:35pm