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"Affluenza" Teen's Dad Arrested for Impersonating a Cop

The wealthy father of a Texas teen whose "affluenza" defense helped him avoid prison after a deadly drunk driving accident has been arrested for allegedly pretending to be a police officer, the Dallas News reported. » 8/20/14 5:45pm 51 minutes ago

Illuminati Sacrificed Robi​n Williams, Family Guy Repeat Proves

Terrible animated sitcom The Family Guy aired a rerun, centered around Robin Williams, just moments before the public learned of Williams' tragic suicide. Some of Earth's 7 billion sentient humans suspected this meant that he had been sacrificed by the elite deviants of the Bavarian Illuminati. » 8/20/14 5:01pm Today 5:01pm

NFL Says Legally It Doesn't Have to Address Cheerleaders' Shitty Wages

Over the course of the last year, NFL cheerleaders have attempted to raise their pay to at least minimum wage through various lawsuits. In June, two Oakland Raiderettes sued the league for fair pay. The NFL's official response? Not our problem. » 8/20/14 4:30pm Today 4:30pm

Ariana Grande Is a Kabbalist and Suspected Serial Killer

Pint-sized pop singer Ariana Grande is the reason why the phrase "cutie patootie" exists, even at age 21. But did you know that lurking deep down that adorable, quinceañera-frequenting exterior, below even the demons she speaks freely about, may be the cold-blooded heart of a serial killer? It's true, she said it… » 8/20/14 4:13pm Today 4:13pm

This Week in Tabloids: George Clooney is Pregnant

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which in which we venture through the hellish landscape contained within the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch, like the last remaining survivors of a cataclysmic event. This week: Amal Alamuddin AND George Clooney are pregnant; North West's diaper cream costs… » 8/20/14 4:07pm Today 4:07pm

Earthquake Threat in Yellowstone Region Bigger Than First Thought

In a new report that's sure to eventually set your Facebook feed all aflutter with fresh volcanically-charged paranoia, scientists say that the risk for damaging earthquakes in the Yellowstone region is greater than originally thought. » 8/20/14 4:01pm Today 4:01pm

Is On-Screen Text Messaging the Future of Cinema?

What's the worst part about the modern day in-theater viewing experience? If you said "the fact that people can't take out their phones and send text messages about whatever they're thinking to be displayed on the screen for everyone to see" and you live in a major city in China, you're in luck! » 8/20/14 3:53pm Today 3:53pm

How Twitter Could Beat the Trolls, And Why It Won’t

Twitter has a troll problem. It has from the beginning, really. But it's been particularly loud this month, thrown into sharp relief with the sickening attacks on Robin Williams' grieving daughter, Zelda. Twitter's response has been tepid at best—and as far as squashing trolls goes, it's the most we can ever expect. » 8/20/14 3:50pm Today 3:50pm

Dumb Tech Conference Sues Pointless Tech Conference for Word "Summit"

When your tech conference is best known for paying $40 million to buy its own mountain, it's hard to stand on moral high ground. But Summit Series, the "hipper Davos" is suing Paddy Cosgrave, the creator of another vanity tech confab called F.ounders, aka "Davos for geeks," for damages of at least $2 million. » 8/20/14 3:24pm Today 3:24pm