Seamless and GrubHub, two nearly identical online food-ordering companies whose business model consists of providing a service that is already available for free, announced Monday that they would be merging into one giant online food-ordering hydra. The new company, which has not yet settled on a name, will enable and promote social anxiety in 500 U.S. cities by eliminating the traumatic element of "human verbal interaction" from pizza delivery. The co-founder and CEO of GrubHub will serve as the CEO of the new Sterling Cooper Draper Seamless Grubhub. The CEO of Seamless will serve as president. If your cat dies, the new organization will probably start a twitter fight with you about it.

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Watch A Man Beg Others To Call Police As He Clings To A Speeding Truck

This weekend, a man claims he was hit by a truck in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. But instead of getting run over, he jumped, landed on the hood, and yelled for other drivers to call the police as they sped down the highway.

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Quacks of All Political Persuations Fight Fluoridation In Portland

In 2013 one can have many legitimate beefs with the medical and scientific establishment, but fluoridated water, like immunization, is not one of them. Still, it appears increasingly likely that a Left-Right coalition of dedicated fear-mongers will defeat a measure in Portland this week to fluoridate its water supply…

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In most states, the unemployment rate is coming down, ever so slowly. Still, nearly 12 million Americans are officially unemployed, and millions more have dropped out of the labor force entirely. Each week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, straight from the unemployed. This is what's happening out there.

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Thief Snatches Woman's Phone, Gets Run Over by the Bus to Karma City

A Colombian mugger's cunning plan to steal a defenseless woman's cellphone was nearly foolproof — except for the part where he was run over by a bus while fleeing, and ended up looking like a fool.

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