Behold the Stupidest Government Report EVER

The drought in America is historic, affecting more than 30 percent of the United States and 37 percent of the lower 48 states. My friend, John Fleck , who used to write about nukes at the Albuquerque Journal, is the doyen of all things water in the west, and when we met last year in New Mexico, he put the fear of God… » 5/04/15 1:30pm 19 minutes ago

When We All Relocate to Space, At Least We'll Have Espresso

At parties—which I go to a lot—the question is often raised: if you were to travel to space, what would be the one earthly thing you’d have trouble giving up? FRESH COFFEE, we all yell. Samantha Cristoforetti, an Italian astronaut at the International Space Station, has proven that we will never have to go without… » 5/04/15 12:55pm 54 minutes ago

Rick Santorum Would Like to Clarify That He Is Indeed Still a Dick

A few days ago, former and forever presidential hopeful Rick Santorum offered some seemingly (and uncharacteristically) supportive words on Bruce Jenner’s decision to come out as a transgender woman. But now, Santorum has one little thing he’d like to add: Don’t worry, I’m still a dick. » 5/04/15 12:25pm Today 12:25pm

Governor Vows to Defend Texas Against Insane Imaginary Obama Invasion

Texans can now proudly say that their state not only boasts the Biggest Tacos and Tallest Beers, but a governor willing to waste tax dollars on a batshit make-believe martial law conspiracy theory. » 5/04/15 12:14pm Today 12:14pm

A Closer Look at Game of Thrones Season Five, Episode Four

As we did last season and so far this season, we’ve put together a list of scenes, references, and characters that deserve a special comment or mention. There’s no way we got all the good stuff (and we might be wrong on some of the things we’ve left below)—so please help expand our appendix. » 5/04/15 11:58am Today 11:58am

John Oliver Clowns Bud Light and Floyd Mayweather in Single Blow 

After Bud Light canned its ill-conceived new ad campaign glorifying sexual assault, all that was left for Last Week Tonight to do was to join the pile-on of burns on the disgusting beer’s foul taste, with John Oliver sneaking in a Floyd Mayweather own. » 5/04/15 11:48am Today 11:48am

Guy at JFK With $19,000 Worth of Coke in His Butt Isn't Fooling Anyone

In this politically charged atmosphere, we rarely hear of U.S. border-patrol success stories. So let us commend the intrepid customs agents who bravely saved a bevy of junior Goldman VPs from huffing a pound of artisanal taint-roasted blow after it nestled near this nervous flier’s anus. » 5/04/15 11:27am Today 11:27am

De Blasio Proposes Giving $33 Million to Struggling NYC Public Schools

Here we go again: that liberal jerkoff with his hands in all our pockets, Bill “Tallest Man on Earth” de Blasio, has decided to dedicate $33 million of his upcoming proposed budget to struggling and underfunded public schools. What about that golden promenade we were promised? And the envelopes full of cash? » 5/04/15 10:55am Today 10:55am

​Alone in Disney World

If you are alone in Disney World, you’ll never forget it. Even if you can ignore all of the families that surround you, even if you manage to miss the couples walking hand-in-hand through the park, you will always be aware of your singledom because you are constantly compelled to disclose it to the state authorities… » 5/04/15 10:00am Today 10:00am