This morning distinguished political commentators Ana Marie Cox, Rachel Sklar and Glynnis MacNichol filed a slumber party-themed video dispatch from the Democratic National Convention in Denver. At the risk of crushing you with intellectual heft I had the video department cut it down to its thirty-two most totally totally crucial seconds. I cannot overstate how much you like need to watch this like right now. And because I was forced to cut some of its meatier moments I have distilled the main arguments after the jump.*

FINDINGS:

1. Michelle Obama's hair is newly "swingy" and thus patriotic.
2. Wolf Blitzer is Batman.
3. Michelle Obama's brother "looks like a basketball."
4. Caroline Kennedy's appearance qualifies her a cabinet position if not the vice presidency.
5. The Obama daughters' appearance qualifies them for residency the White House.**
6. The Brady Bunch is for white people.

* Now it is up to someone who is really bored to try and count the number of times they say "like" and "you know" and "totally" because I tried and it was just too fucking exhausting.
**Barring some mostly-not-articulated rumblings of dissent with regards to the dress worn by one of them.