On Tuesday, Rolling Stone published its first Miley Cyrus cover story online.
Over the course of its four pages, Toluca Lake's most fearsome little young person has the name of the magazine tattooed on her "dirty feet," jumps out of an airplane with a reporter in tow, dances on a banquette at a club where a little person dressed as an Oompa Loompa is lowered from the ceiling on a harness to deliver liquor, and poses for paparazzi pictures in front of a dumpster. It’s a lot to take in. So we’ve broken it down by number.
Number of tattoos explicitly identified in the profile
- 9 on Cyrus' hands, arms, ribcage, and ear
- 2 more she receives during her interview (“ROLLING” on her right foot; “$TONE” on her left foot)
- 1 of fictional teenager Hannah Montana’s initials, located on the shoulder of Stephen Baldwin
"Did you know Alec Baldwin has Hannah Montana's initials tattooed on him? No, wait – Stephen Baldwin. He said he was my biggest fan, and I told him my biggest fans have tattoos. So he got hm tattooed on his shoulder." She shakes her head. "People do fucked-up shit."
Number of words in the Theodore Roosevelt quote permanently inked on Miley Cyrus' left forearm
Number of affable text messages received from famous hippity hoppers, read aloud by Miley Cyrus
- 1 from Kanye West
"He said, 'I still can't quit thinking about your performance,'" Miley says.
- 1 from Pharrell
"This is why I love Pharrell so much," she says, then reads a text that he sent her out loud. It's at least 1,000 characters long; she scrolls forever.
- 1 from Lil Kim
She checks her phone and reads a text from Lil' Kim out loud: "My little pumpkin, I just had to tell you you're so fucking smart. I love you and all the press you are getting. Sad I didn't run into you at the VMAs. Keep killing it, boo." Miley laughs.
Number of times Miley Cyrus says, or imagines saying, "Yo" to rapper Kanye West
I was like, 'Yo – can you say that again?!'"
It's good to have someone you can call and be like, 'Yo, do you think I should wear this?'
Number of times Miley Cyrus uses the word "homies"
- On Kanye West giving her advice:
"That's what homies are supposed to do."
- On black back-up dancers:
"Those aren't my 'accessories.' They're my homies."
- On the friends that inspired the "Can't Stop" music video:
"This is actually the house! [...] And these are the homies!"
Number of times Miley Cyrus refers to her home as "the crib"
We could order some food and shit! Hang at the crib!"
"I call myself Rapunzel with a mohawk. Standing by my window, looking at the paparazzi, just wanting to leave the crib."
Days per annum Steve Carrell regrets his choice of neighborhood
"He always gives me the stank-eye because I drive so fast," Miley says. "The other day I was trying to reverse and I almost hit a thousand things, and I was getting nervous because I could see him going" – she crosses her arms and lets out a big, annoyed sigh. "I'm like, oh, my God, Dan in Real Life is watching me right now!"
Number of dollars Miley Cyrus was paid, as a child, to pick up the bras and underwear tossed onstage by her father's fans.
"I'd get a really big one and be like, 'Dad! I found your biggest fan!'" she says, laughing.
Maximum number of months in prison one could face if convicted of trespassing on private property, under California law
One time she went out to her backyard and saw a shadowy figure in the bushes. "I thought I was gonna get murdered," she says, "and then I see my dad climbing my fence. He's like, 'Sissy! I found a secret path where I can get from my house to your house without having to go on the street!' I'm like, 'Dad, you definitely just trespassed through someone's yard.'"
Force of the Earth's gravity on Miley Cyrus, measured in pounds
Name of a new song by Miley Cyrus' record producer Mike WiLL Made It, the video for which features Cyrus smoking and rubbing herself and wearing a bra—just generally doing all the things she does now. (It's not discussed in the Rolling Stone piece, but it was released Monday and you've already demonstrated a clear interest in Miley Cyrus.)
Number of Gatorades consumed over the course of the profile
- 1 pre-skydiving
- 1 post-skydiving, with Malibu rum
Number of Malibu rum-based drinks consumed over the course of the profile
- 1 pre-club, with Gatorade
- enough to last "the whole night" at a club
Thing that "was dope," according to Miley Cyrus
- bonding with Demi Moore on the set of the 2012 movie LOL
Pairs of shoes destroyed by Miley Cyrus in recent memory
- 1 pair of Doc Martens
At one point, Miley fell asleep in front of a fireplace and melted her Docs.
- 1 pair of fur slippers
She also happened to mention that a pair of fur Céline slippers she'd bought were falling apart...
Pairs of fur Céline slippers given to Miley Cyrus to replace the pair that was falling apart
....and Kanye bought her five more pairs.
Number of years Brooke Shields had been alive when she played a prostitute in a movie, so Miley Cyrus doesn’t want to hear her any of her shit
She was especially amused by the criticism from Brooke Shields, who played Miley's mom on Hannah Montana and called the VMA performance "desperate." "Brooke Shields was in a movie where she was a prostitute at age 12!" Miley says with a laugh.
Number of years that had passed since the birth of Jesus of Nazareth when Miley Cyrus changed her name from "Destiny Cyrus" to "Miley Cyrus"
Billy Ray named his daughter Destiny Hope because he thought it was her destiny to bring hope to the world.
[Image via Getty]