Yale in Uproar Over Missing Campus Squirrels

A distressed Yale senior emails Gawker:

I’d like to remain anonymous, but I also want to let you know about something going on at Yale. It appears that the administration paid to have all the squirrels on campus killed over the summer.

There are no squirrels left at Yale.

As students have begun to realize the genocide that has taken place, they are rising up, enraged and disgusted. Numerous student publications are racing to uncover the scandal, but so far there has been no official statement. Continued fury and uprising is expected.

According to the Yale Daily News, the New Haven’s campus’s squirrel population has menaced Yalies for years, often climbing into their dorm rooms and stealing their Au Bon Pain leftovers. However, neither Yale’s Facilities staff nor New Haven’s Parks Department were able to confirm any mass squirrel murders. (Each referred Gawker to the other.) Yet among Yale’s peers the mistreatment of squirrels is hardly unprecedented: Harvard kids have been known to torment squirrels with peanuts attached to strings, and in 2005 a Princeton student lit one on fire as part of a fraternity prank.

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