All The Things Not to Do When You Capture Your Own Child Mugger

On Friday, a white lady named Clara Vondrich had her iPhone stolen out of her hand in Williamsburg but was able to catch one of the thieves, a 13-year-old boy. This story made it into the New York Post, and in the process taught us all important lessons about what not to do when you're able to capture your own child mugger.

Vondrich, 35, was standing in front of a coffee shop in the thick of gentrified Williamsburg—South 3rd and Wythe—when someone ran up behind her and snatched her phone out of her hand. A chase ensued! (DISCLAIMER: in the following passage the Post refers to Vondrich as a superhero.)

Wearing a pair of thick wedges and a sundress, Vondrich chased after him.

Hot on the kid's heels, she pleaded with him to give the cellphone back.

"I was screaming the whole time, 'Get that kid!' " Vondrich recalled. "I finally said, 'Yo, I'll give you $200 for that. Just stop.' "

Vondrich said the teen appeared to be out of shape and handed off the phone to his more nimble pal, who ran off.

But she kept after the slow boy, who was huffing and puffing down Wythe Avenue during the five-block chase.

The Wonder Woman grabbed hold of the teen at South Sixth Street and Wythe Avenue, wrapping her arms around his chest and pinning him against a car.

This should have been the end of the story, and, in fact, none of us should know about this. Instead, Clara Vondrich did a bunch of shitty things you should never do when it turns out your mugger is a child.

1. Pose for press photos with your child mugger

Now, it seems clear that this story came about because Post photographer Stefan Jeremiah happened to be right near the scene of the "crime." Nonetheless, if you are to apprehend your child mugger don't pose for photos in the newspaper, especially if you are white and the child mugger happens to be black. This is an extremely bad look, I think we all can agree.

2. Pose for press photos in general

After the 13-year-old who stole her iPhone was hauled away by real police (more on this later), Clara Vondrich posed for solo photos on the sidewalk of Williamsburg like she was in a damn catalog.

All The Things Not to Do When You Capture Your Own Child Mugger

No adult should feel the need to show up in The New York Post with a heroic smirk on her face after chasing down and hogtying a 13-year-old boy. This is a sociopathic desire.

3. Don't call the kid fat in the newspaper

Here is why Clara Vondrich was able to catch the 13-year-old boy, despite wearing clogs.

"He was so pudgy and was slowing down, so that's why I caught up to him," Vondrich said, adding she felt sorry for the kid.

This kid has enough problems—he was booked on charges of grand larceny, his Mom is probably really mad at him, kids at school will definitely make fun of him endlessly for being caught from behind by a white lady wearing zany sunglasses. The last thing he needs is to be called fat in the newspaper. Have a heart, Clara Vondrich.

4. Have the kid arrested for stealing your phone

Now, granted, it's not entirely Clara Vondrich's fault that this 13-year-old boy was arrested by police for stealing her phone. But, she did, by her own admission, willingly cause the commotion that led up to police being summoned, and she did—as the photos show—keep the kid pinned to a car until police arrived despite already knowing that he didn't posses her phone.

Vondrich says that she "felt sorry" for the kid, but not enough to not have him arrested and charged with grand larceny. The boy will now enter New York's vaunted juvenile justice system, which will likely fuck up his life even further, simply because he snatched a white lady's iPhone in Williamsburg.

If you are nonviolently mugged by a child, continue to let him run along with his friends. The world will be a better place.