• Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson is under arrest for grand theft after stealing fancy clothes and baubles from a supermodel ex. NYP reports, "the thief stole jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing—even her underwear. The thief also left a bizarre calling card—a used vibrator was found in her bed and a wet towel was on the floor." Casey was apprehended after on-again off-again girlfriend Courtenay Semel texted victim Jasmine Lennard some troubling news: "There's a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear." Lennard appears to be of sexuality: opportunistic, judging by myriad photos of a scantily clad Lennard clinging to the arms of well-dressed octogenarians (and Simon Cowell?). Point being: I am so ready for Casey Johnson's made-for-TV movie. [NYP]
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• "Party Girl History of Alleged Tiger Woods Mistress Surfaces." Here's what I learned: (1) Rachel Uchitel is a professional starfucker. She promotes high-end Vegas and NYC clubs including Tao, Marquee, and Stanton Social, and is tasked with scoring celebrity appearances (2) She went on at least one date with Will.i.Am (3) Her mother is a Palm Beach socialite with a condo next door to Rudy Giuliani's. [NYDN]
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• Speaking of Uchitel, HuffPo has an enlightening slideshow of "Gloria Allred's Women." The famed lawyer to tabloid-bait females (Bill Clinton harassee Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson's fam) has been hired by Uchitel. [HuffPo]
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• Richard Gere may be fined up to $50,000 for chopping down 200 trees in his Westchester estate without acquiring a permit. Deforestation without paper work is a no-no in the Bestchester, and even "very popular" Little League dads are not immune. [P6]
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• Speaking of Tiger Woods, oddsmakers are having a field day with a sports star scandal. Odds are that he'll buy his wife an expensive ring (+500), admit to having an affair (+275), get a divorce (+250), and/or was drunk at the time (+200). Odd that he stays with his wife are worse. (-150) [TMZ]
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• Heidi Klum and Seal's baby daughter had her photographic debut in a classy black-and-white pic on her parents' website. Lou Samuel is as photogenic as you'd imagine, and has a shocking amount of hair. [NYDN]
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• Jennifer Aniston is helping promote her yoga trainer's DVD, and there's a Self magazine tie-in, too, because uptight women who wake up at 5AM to do yoga and study techniques for non-bulky ab sculpting in Self are the only fans sad Jen left. [P6]
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• Shaquille O'Neal's wife moved to L.A. and, days later, filed for divorce, a clever move that is perhaps related to California's even-steven division of assets and alimony laws. Shaq, however, isn't having it, and filed papers to force the legal proceedings back to Florida, where Shaq lives and Shaunie used to. [TMZ]
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• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, and Jimmy and Nancy Fallon, went on a double date for brunch. Too cute. [P6]
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• The thorn in Elisabeth Hasselbeck's side is back: The woman who claims Hasselbeck plagiarized her book has refiled charges, after her first suit was tossed out earlier this month. The lady says her suit against The View's co-host was tossed out on a technicality, which she has now fixed it. I'm torn on how to react to this news: On the one hand, Hasselbeck is annoying and unoriginal, so the suit feels right. On the other, someone who refiles near-identical lawsuits repeatedly doesn't sound so great, either. I hate it when I don't know who to cheer for. [TMZ]
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Hasselbeck's masterwork has the catchier-sounding title The G-Free Diet: A Gluten Free Survival Guide, but what lies within bears a wealth of similarity to Living, Hassett and her attorneys claim.

TMZ has gotten their mitts on the legal documents, which detail the many suspicious likenesses between the two books. Chapter names, phrasing, and content, etc. Some examples:

So, hm! Not exactly smoking guns, but warm ones perhaps. While we're not terribly certain just how many ways there are to write a book about Celiac Disease and diet, we're also not sure that Hasselbeck (although she is a Boston College graduate!) has the wherewithal to come up with anything on her own steam, unless it's some bird-language rave about Sarah Palin.

Anyone read her book in full? Or Hassett's? Let us know!

Goldberg's furious anger was set off by Beck's quackery-laden version of events, as told to his radio audience, after he ran into Goldberg and Barbara Walters on an Amtrak train to the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Beck, in the typical charlatan on steroids fashion that is his hallmark, told his audience that Amtrak had reserved seating for Walters, Goldberg and 60 Minutes' Steve Kroft, when it's normally their policy not to reserve seats for anyone (You know corporate America—-always sucking the assholes of the liberal media!). So this set off the ladies of The View, who claimed that no such thing had happened, and Beck just sat their sheepishly half-apologizing, claiming that he "misspoke" ala Nancy Pelosi, looking every bit like a bratty child who'd been sent to the principal's office for firing spitballs at a handicapped kid. And all the while Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't say a fucking word (I'm convinced that she may actually be undergoing an ideological conversion right now, but I could be wrong).

Watch this clip, if only so you can fully comprehend just how disgustingly reptilian Glenn Beck is.

A little background, if you're blessedly unfamiliar: New York Post political cartoonist Sean Delonas has always been a bigoted idiot, but people are just now realizing it after Delonas authored a cartoon where a monkey is shot and killed for authoring the stimulus bill—an uncomfortable, fraught comparison to make when dealing with our first black president. This is something that could be understood by almost anyone—even Elisabeth Hasselbeck! However, Barbara (already bleary-eyed from watching back-to-back episodes of The Mentalist on her DVR last night) had an alternate explanation for the outrage: "Because it's a black monkey." Audience laughter and the confused interventions of her cohosts did not deter Walters from pressing her case until Sherri Shepherd finally thought, "What the hell?" and said, "If it was a white monkey, I still would be offended." We wouldn't! They're adorable.

• The View [ABC]

First, Shepherd told the tale of a sponsor-approved trip to Disneyland she took alongside her son and the cheating, not-yet-divorced husband she loathes (a definition of marriage plucked either from the Bible or The Lockhorns—we're not sure which). Her cohosts couldn't quite believe that Shepherd hadn't a) divorced his ass and b) told her son that they were separated yet. After all, sniffed a disapproving Walters, what would Shepherd say to her child when she began dating again? That's when the View's flat-earther said she would follow the example Barbara used with her own daughter: explain away all her late-night, gentlemen callers as a series of "uncles" with whom she has some decidedly nonfamilial familiarity. As a recoiling Walters bared her teeth, she hissed, "I was not married at the time [that I banged all those dudes, including a purring, tender Henry Kissinger]." No, but they were!

In other View news, somnolent guest Patricia Arquette revealed just how Sacha Baron Cohen crashed the Medium set for his upcoming film Bruno: he pretended to be Ben Silverman's cousin. Also, a flower bloomed on Elisabeth Hasselbeck's pirate shirt today. It's springtime!

• The View [ABC]

Here at Defamer, we've put on our Yenta hats to help Rourke weigh his (plentiful) options.

COURTNEY LOVE: If the British tabloids are to be believed (and we are praying to Jesus, Santa, and Barack Obama that they've nailed this particular story), Rourke has been secretly dating Courtney Love for the past three weeks. Obviously, this would be an amazing red carpet duo—just think of the money that could be saved on pre-ceremony, his-and-hers collagen injections!
Likeliness: 8. Love has been to the Oscar ceremony once before and she's not about to turn down her only shot to go again. Hold on with your wraithlike fingers and ride that misshapen pony to the Academy Awards, girl!

BAI LING: If there's anyone who could possibly outdo Love as Rourke's date, it's former fling Bai Ling. In fact, if there's anyone who could possibly outdo Bjork's infamous swan dress, it's Bai Ling. We're crossing our fingers that her potential Oscar frock of rubber bands, jelly bracelets, and nipple-covering sand dollars comes to fruition.
Likeliness: 6. Bai's early surge has seemed to fade. "Mickey is a powerful actor, I respect and enjoy his work and I am his big surportor [sic] and fan, he is going to win Oscar for sure," she recently wrote on her blog. In other words, it was an honor just to be nominated.

LOKI: Rourke's elderly chihuahua Loki has thus far been his most frequent red carpet companion.
Likeliness: 9. There's little that could tear Loki from Rourke's side—except that proven temptress Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

EVAN RACHEL WOOD: What better promotion for The Wrestler than to bring costar/onscreen daughter/french-kissing partner Evan Rachel Wood as his date?
Likeliness: 3. "I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke," Wood recently said. Potential upside: maybe she was talking about this guy?

THE FRENCH FLASHER: If Rourke wants to strengthen The Wrestler's overseas profile, there's no better way than to squire the Parisian pixie who unexpectedly bared her breasts to him.
Likeliness: 4.We're holding out hope, if only to hear the red carpet fashionistas ask, "Who aren't you wearing?"

The ladies were discussing Ashley Judd's PSA that slams the aerial killing of wolves—as well as Sarah Palin, who enjoys that sort of hunting because what else is there to do in Alaska (they could really use a Pinkberry or a Color Me Mine!)? Abruptly, Hasselbeck attempted to wrench the conversation into odder, Bill Geddie-suggested waters: "Is [Judd] as loud about the 260,000 kids that are killed in abortions," she asked (though we enjoy her clear faltering when she realizes, "Yep, I'm really about to say this. Better commit to it!"). This went over poorly, to say the least, so Hasselbeck naturally sought to top herself by calling the entire panel "socialist." Phenomenal! Pirate shirt, we've missed you. Don't ever go away again.

• The View [ABC]

The game, which was probably invented by Barack Obama and William Ayers during a sex-having orgy with illegal immigrants, was brought to Hasselbeck's attention when she interrogated a local third grader for tips on improving her Wii Bowling score. Apparently, Wii Fit's balance board (which measures body mass index) has shown the child a frightening glimpse of his future as an obese shut-in frantically posting "FIRST!!1!!" on redstate.com blog entries. So what, Joy Behar said. Shouldn't overweight kids be told the truth? Haha, Joy, The View is no place for simple logic. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is now going to trade her Wii for a PlayStation 3, which will never tell her she looks fat (and also won't work anymore after the third time she stands on it).

• The View [ABC]

This will be Hasselbeck's third child, joining Grace and the one who got thrown into Gitmo for headbutting President Bush. The baby is due in August (placing its conception date somewhere between Hasselbeck's incense controversy and The View's last guest appearance by Andy Dick...uh-oh), as only recently did Hasselbeck become aware that her post-election vomiting was likely due to the circle of life. The baby will be named William Ayers McCartney Sheetzucacapoopoo Hasselbeck; send your gifts and donations to SarahPAC.

• The View [ABC]

And to Barbara Walters's dismay, his choice isn't her—no matter how any blandishments she lavished upon the actor after catching him in nothing but a tight t-shirt in his dressing room (inspiring fourgy dreams involving Michael Phelps and Simon Baker too graphic to be described here). No, the apple of Rourke's eye is our own Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who virtually clambers over Joy Behar after getting the "groupie go-ahead" from the Wrestler star. At least they'll have a lot to talk about.

• The View [ABC]

In the old days, when "William Ayers" was just a whisper on the winds of the future instead of a frequent shriek during the 10am television hour, our dear young Lizzie (do we think she was a Lizzie? Maybe a Beth?) was a White Album-obsessed braceface who would eventually graduate from Boston College with a concentration on large paintings and industrial design. Who knew? And what happened? She pulled one of those teenage paintings out of storage to impress McCartney (the inadvertent Ringo to her Marge), who was no doubt touched by her extremely literal, insectoid rendering of The Beatles. "And those jars," McCartney remarked. "Are those a reference to..." "...The failings of liberal groupthink, yes," Hasselbeck answered. "Also, we has just learned to paint jars in my Oils and Acrylics elective."

• The View [ABC]

It all began when Barbara Walters brought up Bush's final press conference and dubbed it unusually introspective. This didn't sit quite right with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the Bush BFF who invaded the Oval Office over the weekend, had a 15-minute conversation with the president about dog biscuits, and now feels qualified to pronounce Bush her replacement husband should Tim's remote ever linger too long on MSNBC.

Predictably, Joy Behar threw herself into the mix, and the resulting melee was a shouty clusterfuck that recalls the ladies' good ol' days. We led with the clip in which Hasselbeck compares Bush to Abraham Lincoln (!), but so much went on that we've provided a second, even more high-volume sampling. Enjoy!

• The View [ABC]

Relax: Hasselbeck still doesn't have the football or the nuclear codes. We think. Still, the White House visit (as recounted on today's episode of The View) was a worrisome reward for the conservative cohost; we can sympathize with Joy Behar, who gnawed on her inner cheek throughout Hasselbeck's story, then spat blood into her coffee mug during the commercial break. At least Hasselbeck's baby son seized the opportunity to attempt a headbutt that would knock the president out of commission. He is a secret liberal and will be thrown into Gitmo immediately.

As for this, we're pretending it never happened. For your health.

• The View [ABC]

We've spilled a lot of e-ink about how Walters has spent every single day in '09 coming up with new, increasingly overt ways to insult her cohosts, so imagine our delight when she said that her perennial New Year's resolution was to "be nicer" ("THAT'S your New Year's resolution?" said a dubious Sherri Shepherd). Walters then attempted to become visibly kinder on air, which in her mind meant contorting her face into a terrible, clown-like rictus and slamming her cohosts with even greater condescension and frequency (but while smiling!). The display is not for the faint of heart; please, we beg of you, do not watch this clip before bedtime.

• The View [ABC]

On Monday, a jealous Walters promptly chastised the studio audience for shouting compliments to Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar, scolding, "When you see a group of people, you don't look at one of them and say, 'We love you.'" Then, as Sherri Shepherd related her brief encounters with Jeremy Piven, Walters expressed both total, unvarnished boredom and condescension on the matter of time zones (though the latter was admittedly well-earned).

On today's show, Walters was in danger of heading into the first commercial break with nary a slam to her credit, but she finally found an unlikely opportunity after her cohosts indulged in a "taint"-filled discussion of Rod Blagojevich and the Senate seat to which he appointed Roland Burris. This prompted Walters to attempt a tortured analogy that essentially called Elisabeth Hasselbeck a bonehead (but not because she loves The Bachelor?). Whatever, it's Barbara logic—just enjoy how Elisabeth hears her name and starts to perk up approvingly before Babs sticks the shiv in.

• The View [ABC]

· The Man, The Myth: We first introduced Barack Obama to Defamer readers way back on June 1, 2006, when the Senator was reported to have ordered leg of toddler with a fetal-marrow salad while lunching at CAA. Were we ever glad to hear it wasn't Obama, but just a look-alike CAA agent snickering between chews about the audacity of hope. Sorry, Mr. President-elect!

· A View to a Kill: While Obama and Hillary Clinton battled for Democratic delegates, another, bloodier fight took shape at ABC: Elisabeth Hasselbeck upgraded her contrarian sass as a full-blown GOP mouthpiece, fluffing Cindy McCain at Michelle Obama's expense and exploding one co-host's head after another with John McCain superlatives until Joy Behar brought in the bomb squad. If only the debates traded just a little of their sexual tension for a fraction of The View's energy, drama and mutual loathing.

· Sarah Palin Superstar: Tina Fey comparisons flooded the Web about five seconds after Sarah Palin's selection as the Republican vice-presidential candidate. Then they flooded TV; even Brooke Hogan and Russell Brand couldn't flee the tide. Yet despite her talent in the swimsuit and flute portions of the election, Palin faded into the Alaskan dusk following her loss faster than lusty Margaret Cho could rush-order a copy of Nailin' Palin.

· The Letterman Factor: For all the purported impact Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert had on the electorate in 2008, neither man wielded the radioactive fury of a David Letterman scorned. On Sept. 24, after a regretful McCain canceled his guest appearance en route to Washington (where he would stay to "fix the economy"), Letterman piped in video of the candidate in a neighboring studio, preparing for a sitdown with Katie Couric. The ensuing bloodbath underscored the McCain campaign's devastating tone-deafness to pop culture — a terminal illness, it turned out, by the time McCain was finally euthanized on Saturday Night Live.

· America Crossed the Aisle: Sort of. Republican Dennis Hopper eloquently came around for Obama, while Jackie Mason encouraged Florida's elderly Jewish population to make up their own minds lest Sarah Silverman brainwash them. And the Bipartisan Youth Choir of Atlanta reminded voters in the catchiest, most epic manner possible that they could indeed pull their levers any which way they pleased:

· ZOMG ELECTION DAYYYY: And we dabbed a tear at democracy's triumph as assayed by Kirsten Dunst, Monica Lewinsky, Diddy, Pete Wentz and Tim Robbins — once they finally let him into the polling place.

· New Day, New Hangover: Obama delivered his victory address in front of tens of thousands at Chicago's Grant Park. (Among them: Oprah Winfrey and her snot-absorbent oratory-crutch.) Meanwhile, Hasselbeck waited until the next day to give her own concession speech, which was too little too late for those American minds already blown by CNN's election-night hologram adventure. Congratulations to Obama and the American political system as a whole — with an Emanuel in the White House at last, we can finally embark on the long, slow, and ultimately healing recovery we need. Jan. 20, 2009, can't come soon enough.

As our year begins to come to an end, intern Brian Colgan reviewed Elisabeth Hasselbeck's on-screen political arc (in short: "Wright Wright Rezko Rezko Ayers Ayers VICTORY!") and composed a video so incredible, you could watch it with your hand covering the top half of the screen and still get the gist from Elisabeth's emphatic, repeated gesticulation. We made it through this together, America. Like that one kid in Into the Wild, we have endured this tough, immense experience and come out the other end stronger.

Oh, wait. Didn't that kid die?

• The View [ABC]

However, the choice has angered many gay rights advocates, who worry that the selection will legitimize Warren's fervent advocacy in favor of Proposition 8. Joy Behar, too, is upset about the pick ("It's like putting Cheney in charge of gun control!"), which surely makes Elisabeth's toes even tinglier. And, as always, Barbara Walters attempts to bring peace by reaching for a historical anecdote she only half-remembers while her cohosts silently count down their "five second rule," at the conclusion of which they are free to merrily ignore her and resume their crosstalk. Still, the clip's real horror show is Whoopi's Ed Hardy-like tee-shirt, which suggests a wrathful View stylist has found a new target. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

Earlier: Obama Asks, We Answer: The 5 Stupidest Things Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has Ever Said

Suffice it to say, then, with Hitler season upon us, everyone's favorite embodiment of pure evil is on our minds—the ladies of The View being no exception. Today's Hot Topic covered the Adolf Hitler-baby-naming fad currently sweeping the nation, as evidenced by one Pennsylvania father who decided to do just that. (We're not sure which of the two moms in the family photograph is the dad.)

Surprisingly well-versed in the case is Sherri Shepherd, who filled the rest of the panel in on the family's swastika-laden birthday-cake-ordering troubles. But it fell to Elisabeth Hasselbeck to effectively bore to the crux of this issue—advocating not, as one might suspect, on behalf of free-speech for those who fall on the far right extreme of the political spectrum; rather, she squeaks up for the voiceless little children, who have no say whatsoever over which psychotic despot's name they and siblings Pol Pot and Benito Mussolini will be forced to carry throughout their lives. [The View]

It came when The View hosted the gay-married Melissa Etheridge, who used the talk show patter before her performance to criticize Elisabeth's frequent, erroneous statements about Proposition 8. Though well-intended, we wish Etheridge had reminded Elisabeth that the "activist judges" she so derides also enacted unpopular-yet-pivotal civil rights decisions like Brown v. Board of Education and Loving v. Virginia. Also, that Swedish priest she mentions? Didn't actually go to jail! Sherri Shepherd stepped in to break things up, but eventually Etheridge performed "Blue Christmas," which prompted Elizabeth to announce that she's glad Melissa is going to have a blue Christmas. We'll bet.

• The View [ABC]

Truth be told, we can relate — aside from GlitterGlassesGuruGate, Elisabeth hasn't done anything particularly interesting this month on The View (though a shiver did go through our bodies the other day when she randomly brought up a conversation with her "good friend Gary Sinise"). On today's show, the archconservative revealed just how things have fallen: Bush has revoked her annual invitation to the White House! On a positive note, Elisabeth still has an open-ended invitation to visit Sarah Palin at her Alaska igloo, which she has decorated with bloody turkey feathers and a mug she swiped from the set of Saturday Night Live. Her one-way ticket is paid for by Joy Behar.

• The View [ABC]

Rickles started strong by immediately slamming Elisabeth Hasselbeck's husband — a strong, unexpected choice! From there, he brushed off Jay Leno's primetime coup ("I don't really care"), dismissed Joy Behar's inattention, and then brought up one of The View's twin They Who Must Not Be Named: Star Jones. An aggrieved Barbara Walters attempted to walk back the Star taunt; insult whomever you want, Mr. Warmth, but the Star Jones criticism is reserved only for Ms. No Hugs.

• The View [ABC]

The furor prompted Elisabeth to make amends on today's show, but in the most hurried, sneaky way possible. After the ladies devoted endless amounts of talk to offensive, sexist comments made by Rush Limbaugh about Hillary Clinton, Elisabeth quickly rushed out the apology for her comparatively innocuous jab just as Whoopi began to throw the show to commercial. Clever, girl, but the real expert would have snuck it in during the View's endless crosstalk, where no one would have been the wiser. Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

While attempting to reference Deepak Chopra's recent remarks on the Mumbai massacre (he implied the terrorists had an eye on America), a frustrated Hasselbeck first called him "Glitter Glasses Whatshisface," and then, dismissing his comments as beneath her recognition, muttered, "Go light a bowl of incense." Why stop there, Elisabeth? Tell those minorities how you really feel using the most stereotype-laden kiss-offs you can muster! If your stylist tries to dress you in another pirate shirt? "Oh, go take your AIDS pills!" Joy Behar got you down? Just say, "Whatsa matta, you-a? Something land in your spaghetti? Oh, what-a spicy meatball!" It's fun, easy, and guaranteed to get the letters pouring in!

• The View [ABC]

• The View [ABC]

Very little has changed in the hosts' positions (and Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd continue to advance the idea that gay marriage means that churches will be sued, dismantled, and rebuilt into Abercrombie & Fitch superstores), but at least Goldberg was kind enough to start things off on a new level of inanity by confessing that this "suffrage" thing that people have wanted throughout history? She's not really sure what that is! Maybe it's about suffering? Kinda sounds like it! "I guess it's when black people had to, you know, they didn't want to die for being black," Shepherd offers. Yeah, it's either that or the right to vote. You know, whichevs!

• The View [ABC]

While recounting a story about how her husband Tim simply wouldn't brave a long holiday line to buy some $6.99 napkins (But the bargain, Tim! It was so relatable!), Hasselbeck immediately began to flail and rewrite her marriage vows on-air. "Ohhh," moans an attempting-to-sympathize Barbara Walters, while secretly thinking, "You don't have people for that? Why, once I was at a dinner party hosted by Henry Kissinger and Chita Rivera, and I sent this kind cater-waiter out to procure the cannelloni au gratin for me at Sardi's. I tipped him with a signed headshot and a two-dollar bill, as was the custom at the time."

• The View [ABC]

So when the group's impotent disciplinarian Barbara Walters returned from a recent interview with the World Famous Pregnant Man™ bearing the earth-shattering scoop that HE IS PREGNANT AGAIN, one can only imagine how quickly things devolved. The bombshell sucked the show into a Bermuda Triangle vortex of shock and confusion, tethered at each corner by the hosts' tenuous yet deeply passionate takes on hot topics like marriage, gender, and multiple-abortion-having. Words like "floored," "What the Hell Wednesday," and "woooowwwww" are soon lobbed about, until Elisabeth Hasselbeck—go figure!—is the one to finally rein in her wits, boring straight to the crux of this 21st century metaphysical mystery by observing: "Having another baby 10 months from now? That is hard work. 15 months apart? That's the hardest thing yet!" So true, so very true. [The View]

Hasselbeck, dressed in a funereal black top (with a pirate-reminiscent ruffled collar!), took her cues from John McCain's gracious concession speech and delivered one of her own. "No one lost today," she said. "God knows I fought hard for the other side, but today is a victory for this country." Then, reaching deep inside, she even gave hated rival Joy Behar a fist-bump. Godless America, we have succeeded: Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a terrorist now. One of us. One of us.

• The View [ABC]

Of course, Shepherd's theory is only bolstered by the fact that SNL can't cover Michelle Obama unless Maya Rudolph's got a free weekend, but later in the show, head writer Seth Meyers came out to do some damage control. "Next time we do it...Sherri, you can come and play yourself," he offered. Is there no end to SNL's 30 Rock poaching? Somewhere, we imagine that an exhausted Tina Fey just muttered "Blergh" and collapsed into her Sabor de Soledad.

• The View [ABC]

Scarlett Johansson
The bee-stung, gloriously be-titted young actress has been in the tank for Barry O since day one, stumping for him and saying silly girlish things about having a crush on the Illinoisan senator. And like most young girls with a crush, she was prone to flights of fancy. Like that time she said the two exchanged so so so juicy emails about politics and ideas and stuff! She said of the matter: “You’d imagine that someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly ‘on’ — how can he return these personal e-mails? But he does, and in his off-time I know he also calls people who have donated the minimum to thank them. Nobody sees it, nobody talks about it, but it’s incredible. I feel like I’m supporting someone, and having a personal dialogue with them, and it’s amazing.” Awwwwwwww!!!! That's totes adorbs!!!! Except, oh no, a bucket of pig's blood then rained all over her prom parade: "She sent one email to Reggie, who forwarded it to me. I write saying, 'thank you Scarlett for doing what you do,' and suddenly we have this email relationship," Obama said in response. So sad. I blame Reggie. Since then ScarJo's mostly shut up. Sigh. Remember her simpler days, when she was in that video...

The 'Yes We Can!' Singin' Celebrities
Yeah, ScarJo was in the music remix of Obama's New Hampshire primary speech. And so was the lady from Private Miseries: A Grey's Anatomy Spin-Off, will.i.am., Aisha Tyler, Claire's first boyfriend from Six Feet Under, um... Brian Greenberg from that show October Road, and... some others! And the music is a little uplifty, but I hated it in the beginning because it felt condescending! You know, rich celebrities in thoughtful black and white saying "we" like we're the same people. It almost seems... What does it seem like? What's that word? It begins with an 'E.'

Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel
Aren't these kids cute? The singer and the actress are in lurve and they've been making be-scarfed impassioned pleas for you to get out and V-O-T-E for a couple months now. They want you to register, and most of you young people will only listen to their celebrity idols when it comes to issues of governance, so they are just doing their part. Oh, and not only do they want you to register, they want you to vote for Barack Obama. Did you hear that? To be cool like JT and the Biel, you gots to vote for Barbados Orama or whatevs. Just watch the video and see how in love they are! You could be in love like that too! Except, you know, with an ugly person! All you have to do is vote! (For Barack Obama!)

Leonardo DiCaprio and His Super Famous Non-Partisan Friends
Supposedly this dopey votey video was like filmed at the actor's house or something. And it's so wacky because all of these people are saying to you "Don't Vote!" And it's hip because they're being sarcastic. You know, there's not really much to say about this except wouldn't it be weird to get really famous and one day be asked to do these kinds of things? Like the whole conceit behind being a "cool" movie star is that you aren't really phased or even aware, really, of your fame. And then someone like Steven Spielberg calls you and says "you are famous and can tell people what to do, so come make this video" and you go and are therefore tacitly acknowledging how well aware you are of your massive, ludicrous fame. That is weird, I think. Also, DON'T VOTE.

The Worst Woman In The World
Other than Sarah Palin! Elisabeth Hasselbeck went to the same school where I went to college, my sister went to college, my mom got her PhD, and my dad still teaches. And she's such a disgraceful embarrassment to it! I don't care if she married the football quarterback. The former Survivor contestant (I think she placed 4th?) is a complete trainwreck of a person, bellowing the craziest of the Republican talking points whenever possible on The View and stumping for the wicked ticket at rallies. In the above clip she tries to make the case that John McCain and Sarah Palin are more pro-women's rights than Barack Obama. She also tries to sound like a person who has ever critically thought about anything in her life.

So have these fools helped or hurt their candidates' campaigns? Well, it's hard to say. The McCain camp clearly doesn't think that Hasselbeck's ninnery has been bad, because they invited her to speak. The wistful, teary-eyed Obamaniacs have... well, just further ingrained ideas that Hollywood is full of liberal pussies. Because it is! Those are just the facts. Oh and here are more of them!

Dressed up as Ronald Reagan, she offered a hearty, beyond-the-grave endorsement of John McCain (O RLY?) before Grandma Barbara led her into the weeds with a tortured Sarah Palin analogy and an appreciative Werther's Original. Then, as Hasselbeck is wont to do, she gave Joy Behar (as Teddy Roosevelt) a Cold War-worthy slam. Happy Halloween, ladies: who knew we could be frightened so early in the day?

• The View [ABC]

Then, like a bolt out of the blue, a theory hit us.

Perhaps the pirate shirts are by design! Perhaps the trapped Hasselbeck, so desperate to escape for the clammy, comforting embrace of Sean Hannity, is trying to communicate to the audience a sub-rosa message (it certainly wouldn't be the first time). Let's see what it all means!

· If the pirate shirt is accessorized by a jeans jacket: this connotes the calm before the political storm.

· If the pirate shirt is long-sleeved: things have gotten chilly amongst former friends. Also, William Ayers.

· If the pirate shirt is really more of a delirious, bare-armed vest: the gloves (and sleeves) are off.

And today, if the pirate shirt is maroon and laden with enough ruffles to make even Project Runway's Leanne wave a tremulous hand and whisper, "Just...no"? That means someone is unhappy that Obama is bumping Knight Rider tonight! Clip above.

• The View [ABC]

I can confirm for you that this story is indeed true. In spite of the declarations of "peace and love" on camera, these two ladies do not speak to each other off camera anymore. Elisabeth has pretty much burned her bridges over there with the non-stop, right-wing rhetoric. It has gotten so bad that even Barbara had to warn her about not attributing statements to Barack Obama without proof.

While it is not nearly as contentious as the Rosie days, it is pretty bad. Mainly because the right-wing rhetoric doesn't end when the cameras go off. Elisabeth's hardline stance has also become a big problem with booking some A-list guests on to the show. Much of the staffers who happen to be democrats aren't pleased with her either, and don't go out of their way to interact with her unless absolutely necessary.

The whispered consensus is that Barbara and Bill let Elisabeth do the Sarah Palin rally to give her enough rope to hang herself. Meaning that they can then do what they did to get rid of Star, which was to use/point to "viewer likeability" to get her out. Just wait and see.

We shall—as if you had any doubt of that. In the meantime however, we shall savor whatever time we have left with lone gladiatrix Hasselbeck, left to fend for herself against in the perilous View arena with nothing but the pin side of her "I Voted For A Lipstick-Wearing Pitbull!" button for protection.

• Defamer's The View Catfight of the Century Coverage