Americans Disgusted by Water that Lacks Artificial Flavoring

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to do?

This is America, the land of the free, not some bullshit country where we're forced to listen when government bureaucrats advise us that we need to cut down on high fructose corn syrup and artificial flavorings before we get brain cancer and diabetes at the same time. Having been fed a steady diet of dissolved sugar since birth, we can hardly stomach plain old water at all. It lacks the SuperCandyWildBerry flavor that we prefer. So our heroic beverage corporations are— in the interest of health—providing Americans with flavored water, or just flavoring for water, to give you all that "melted remains of a Slurpee" taste you love, without the calories. The artificially-flavored water product category is in the midst of a golden age! The WSJ reports:

The consumer targets: People who know they should drink more water but don't always like the taste. These water-fussy drinkers are a quiet but large group—about 20% of Americans, say drinks companies and consumer research firms. Some complain water tastes metallic or chlorinated. Others say water is too boring.

Sorry, when you say "water," do you mean Coke? Or Pepsi?

[WSJ. Pic via]