Americans, who fancy themselves sophisticated nutrition experts even as they consume a diet increasingly made up of petroleum byproducts, are no longer content to drink just any swill. They now prefer to drink swill that is worse than the previous swill of choice.
Five years ago, Diet Coke passed Pepsi as America's second-favorite soda behind Coke, giving the Coca-Cola bragging rights in the contest to poison the greatest number of Americans. But things have changed. It has come to the attention of ever-vigilant Americans that artificial sweeteners may be bad, somehow, I read something on Facebook, I think it gives you cancer? Or AIDS? Anyhow I'm almost sure it is not artisan.
And so Americans, in our infinite wisdom, have now given up on drinking Diet Coke, causing it to lose its place as our second most favorite soda. Our new second favorite soda: Pepsi, which is full of sugar instead of fake sugar. "The reversal highlights the mounting woes of diet soda, which have fallen more sharply in the U.S. than full-calorie soda in each of the last four years," says the Wall Street Journal. "More consumers are concerned about the health impact of artificial, zero-calorie sweeteners such as aspartame even though the Food and Drug Administration says such sweeteners are safe."
Obesity-plagued Americans have replaced a weird chemical that might be bad for you with a sugar-laden concoction of other chemicals that is definitely bad for you. Nicely done, fellow Americans. See you in hell.