Toilet seats: your penis belongs dangling in front them, not crushed underneath them, but try telling that to America’s dumb kids. A new study published in urology journal BJU International (summarized in Reuters under the ominous headline “Falling toilet seats: Rare but growing risk for boys”) found that emergency room visits prompted by toilet seats slamming down onto little boys’ penises with the righteous fury of an angry God increased by a rate of 100 per year between 2002 and 2010.
In 2010, 1,707 people were admitted to the ER with such injuries. 97% of them were boys under 8. 100% of them were male, because girls are smarter and more careful with their penises.
Study author Benjamin Breyer suggests that number could be “the tip of the iceberg” (just the tip) because there may be boys whose parents do not take them to the ER following the injury. (Breyer notes that “the vast majority” of the patients were treated in the ER and then sent home, with no evidence of permanent damage.)
At this rate, eventually every boy in America will have been admitted to the ER because he can’t figure out how to pee without injuring himself. Children will emerge from their mothers, pink and screaming, and a toilet seat lurking nearby will zoom in and snap shut on their little peeps.
In order to Save Our Penises, Breyer suggests parents swap out their traditional wooden, ceramic, or thousand pound iron toilet seats made of swords for “slow close” or “soft fall” models. Some manufacturers offer U-shaped options that preserve the thrilling clatter of a slamming toilet seat, but remove the more dangerous elements (such as the front part).
Alternatively, you could also groom your kids to develop lightning fast ninja reflexes, since Breyer notes that most toddlers “just don’t have the reflexes to move fast enough” when a toilet seat comes swooping down.
Or you could only have baby girls.
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