Somebody in D.C. Wrote the D.C.-est Craiglist Ad Ever

Those of us in Gawker Central who have lived in Washington are 50/50 on whether this Craiglist solicitation for Dupont roomies, "WE NEED TO KNOW COOLER PEOPLE," is fake or not. The fact that it's credible at all tells you everything you need to know about Washington:

Our current friends on a Friday night like to stay at home with a beer or glass of wine and watch OnDemand on a Friday night.

They would rather have a nice time at a friend's apartment for NYE than an crazy 6 hour open bar with multiple DJ's and dancefloors.

They turn down an all day barcrawl to read books, or take it easy from the night before, or brew beer. Beer is for drinking last time I checked, I let professionals brew my beer.

THEY SUCK.

It left us no choice but to:

1) Cut the Fat from our social circle

2) Reach out for All-American Partiers

3) PROFIT

For several years now, Washington has been one of the hottest job markets for recent college graduates, because it loves money and decadence, albeit boring decadence, and man did you see House of Cards? That shit is the jam, bro. Take no prisoners!

The problem is that there are too many true believers among those younguns. Do they even lift? Or lax? Or have a monogrammed koozy they picked up at the house from their brothers in their mid-Atlantic coeducational institution? No? Then they are not the "friends that will partake in awesome stuff" that we seek!

Applicants:

Bros:

You drink Evan Williams.

Note: Other liquors will be drank if necessary, but we're men, we drink whiskey.

Take pride in your appearance. If your closest is full of Ed Hardy t-shirts, you need not apply. Basically if you're partying with us, 90% of the time you'll be wearing a collar. Exceptions include day-longs where sleeveless is preferred (gotta let the pythons breath), or sporting events, or if we're stealing shows at a themed party.

You lift weights, your body needs to be a temple. If you never have we can train you if you fit our other credentials. We've done Tough Mudders and marathons. No slumming.

Fitness is key, bros. If you Uber from time to time, that's cool, but we can't be bothered with geeker-spectacled scrubs who want to hear Chomsky at Books and Afterwords or sip some lame-ass Qualia coffee served by a multiculti GWU kid with a nose ring.

Chicks:

Attractiveness is necessary. Working out should be in your regimen. If you're blessed with a natural beauty, god bless. Hot friends are a plus.

We're not looking for girlfriends here. We have stellar OK Cupid, Tinder, and Hinge accounts for that.

Just the same, homely platonic acquaintances are a serious liability. We might be drinking with our senior partners, duh. Or need some drugs fast. We assume this is something you'll be able to arrange if you're good-looking.

For Both:

YOU LOVE AMERICA. Maybe you're not American and that's fine. We live in a major international hub. But you're here for a reason so you better love living here.

*NOTE: Love of the Confederate States of America counts. Bonus points for a Bonny Blue flag decal on your tailgating-ready Excursion.

**NOTE: Naval Academy grad? We salute your service, brah! But if you drug test and secondhand smoke is an issue for you, don't waste our time.

If the idea of attending a multi day music festival, a horse race, or an all day tailgate appeals to you than you're in the right place...

Pictures are highly recommended for quicker response.

In lieu of photos, links to your Washington & Lee or Duke alumni profile are acceptable. If available for face-to-face meetup, come see us at our cubicles in the Rayburn House Office Building. We'll be the white males in the blue blazers with the Oxford ties. Ask for Biddle, Lake, Blake, Nathan, Bedford, Forrest, Beauregard, or John.