Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, two cyborgs who appeared on a print publication's cover to the dismay of Sarah Michelle Gellar and maybe one other person, are set to be wed in a Parisian ceremony in May. Instead of rice, may we suggest guests toss these florid qualifiers at the newlyweds as they emerge from Versailles' Hall of Mirrors?
Kimye was profiled by Hamish Bowles and photographed by Annie Leibovitz. Neither artiste brought them down to earth, but forwhy? The pair lives in the stars. From the top, shall we?
exultant strains of Pharrell Williams's "Happy"
Since the word "exultant" really just means overwhelmingly happy, this line is now a happy sandwich. Go on, take a bite!
the frantic warblings of the unlikely duo
We'll give you "unlikely," but "warblings" is coming with me.
geographically named North West
An old writing teacher once told me, "The best description is the pointedly obvious one. Just do it. Be redundant. It's a trick."
"her flashing Ava Gardner looks and Sophia Loren figure that have helped to establish a new contemporary body paradigm after an era of waifs."
Kim on Elizabeth Taylor's house: "It wasn't really realistic for me to purchase. It only had a one-car garage."
That's legit, though. Big cars, big garage.
an island of preternatural serenity in the roiling sea of frenetic activity that is la vie Kimye
What in the everloving fuck is this sentence?
fluttering eyelashes as thick, long, and lustrous as a humming-bird's wings
Lots of bird imagery in this profile. Or maybe I'm reading into it because all I want to do is fly away from reading this. Also, has no one taken note that Kim in the photo above looks like the Lena Dunham bird-on-head from last month's Vogue? Ugh, outfit repeater!
"If mom dies, we're going to write down who gets what. We went through every last piece of her wardrobe."
The darkness settles in.
va-va-voom Deco interiors
But we're back, right on time with that bombshell cliché. Is Kim Kardashian our new bombshell? Are we living in a bombshell? Do you have shrapnel in your brain? Let's start over.
rambling new manse
This is just speculation, but Kim and Kanye don't live in the house of a minister, do they? Take note, this is the first of two times Kimye's house is referred to as a manse.
"his house is very calm and tonal"
transforming it into a serene minimalist tone poem in limestone and pear wood
Ohhhh, those tones. Billy Collins couldn't be reached for comment.
Not longer after I've begun, Stockholm syndrome hits me. That shit reads like poetry.
"my dream fiancé, my dream baby, you know?"
I do know!
exultant as a cloud
Where did that word come from again? Oh right. Pharrell Williams.
all eyes are on The Ring
I couldn't stop watching that movie, either. Very scary. Transformational.
"Two hundred people—just all of our closest friends."
Do all of their names have to start with K?
Ensconced in her mother's commodious makeup chair
I'm loving this. I really wish I knew what that meant.
Kim is catching up with herself on dailymail.co.uk ("That is my favorite Web site of all time!")
Interesting style choice to print the entire URL, instead of just the name of the publication. Is this the wave of the future? And shame on Kim for not liking other good sites.
an erogenous slice of clavicle
Now you're talking.
These freewheeling conversations must be riveting.
But you, sir, have proven that they are not.
The profile ends more or less as it began—revealing overwrought details of big houses, necklines, and a baby's purposely furrowed brow. But we did it all for the dopeness. And to learn that Kim Kardashian is a master at flipping product on eBay.
"It's really just about dopeness at the end of the day."
Couldn't agree more.
[Image via Vogue]