Bad news: you've been making a horse's ass of yourself for your entire life. The good news is you can read this post, learn the correct, fantastically pretentious way to properly pronounce many typefaces, and then re-enter society.
Neue Helvetica isn't pronounced "Neue Helvetica," it's pronounced NOY-ya hell-VEE-tee-kah. Regular boring Helvetica should also be pronounced hell-VEE-tee-kah, too, apparently.
"Futura" should be said foo-TOO-rhlah, which is impossible unless you are German.
"Univers" is oo-nee-VEHR. I can't even type the way "Akzidenz Grotesk" is supposed to be pronounced.
Conspicuously absent: Comic Sans. Should you pronounce the final S, like a proper English speaker, or French it up? Another good question: why are you using any of these silly, effete Euro-fonts? Zapfino? Get out of here with all that—our 21st century needs strong, Yankee typefaces, like Chicago (pronounced: shi-KAAA-go), or Impact.
[h/t Joe Macleod]
[Image of a guy who almost certainly knows how to pronounce Zapfino: Christopher Neugebauer]