Hot Pockets, a brand of garbage available in your grocer's freezer until this week's recall, apparently has many fans who share their love for the diseased-meat snacks on Twitter. But how many of these pre-recall Hot Pockets tweets ended in death?
Outside in the frigid cold air. Thank you Hot Pockets for keeping our hands toes & bodies warm. Oh & hot chocolate. pic.twitter.com/6q5P5OaZTc
— Rookie Blue (@Rookiebluetv) January 29, 2014
Why are people standing outside in the cold at night? Are they drug dealers? Whatever they are, it won't matter for long, because they have consumed Hot Pockets made of filth.
When you warm yo Hot Pockets up on 4 minutes and bite into a part that's still cold pic.twitter.com/uMDx7HCvMx
— (@iAintEemDoNun) February 8, 2014
There is, unfortunately, no way to know if these people survived their unfortunate choice of semi-cooked frozen food made from dead animals described by the USDA as "diseased and unsound."
Hot pockets. Cause it's 3:45 AM and I'm stoned
— (@StonedWonka) February 11, 2014
What does "unsound" even mean in the context of industrially raised animals that live their entire short lives in unfathomable horror? And is "Stoned Wonka" now more accurately described as "Dead Wonka"?
since I can't be with ty tonight I guess hot pockets are a good replacement ������ pic.twitter.com/iS9Xkxz9GK
— Chewbacca (@carolyn_rosiie) February 15, 2014
Another young victim. The question is whether or not she survived.
Hot Pockets should come w/ a warning:"Take a bite w/in 10 min of being cooked & fire will reign down from the depths of hell on your mouth"
— Derek Tyson (@DerekTysonESPN) January 25, 2014
Here's another idea for a warning: "May be stuffed with rotten and diseased flesh from animals that collapsed and died in a pool of their own vomit and feces."
Put Molly in her hot pockets, she ain't even know it
— (@69hunna) January 12, 2014
Eating a Hot Pocket dosed with powerful mind drugs is only one of the risks involved with eating the diseased bits of animals that were tortured to death in factories.
all you really need in life to be happy is hot pockets & Netflix
— ♡rachael♡ (@rads0ul) January 6, 2014
Just Netflix and Hot Pockets, that's all anyone needs. And burial insurance. Did you know burial insurance can be purchased online, probably! But people who are actually proud of eating Hot Pockets are the kind of people most likely to be dumped in the trash after they die.
A great cost saving gift is to buy a 12 pack of Hot Pockets then individually gift wrap each one to the 12 people you love the most.
— Brent (@Brentweets) December 18, 2013
"Love" in this context is "wanting you to die of food poisoning."
making some hot pockets b4 bed!(: pic.twitter.com/wYFjjDkMuy
— ◎◎◎ (@localplant) December 8, 2013
Granite countertops. The 1950s had rockabilly, the '60s had the Black Panthers, the '70s had punk, the '80s had The Smiths, and the interminable period between the late 1990s and today has granite countertops. Also what is that, a diseased intestine escaping the Hot Pocket in the microwave?
Thanks to the World's best Twitter account for inspiring this post, which we hope will inspire you to be a better person who doesn't eat vile garbage such as Hot Pockets. Top image by Jim Cooke, who can't stop putting skulls on my posts.