Bad Cat Runs Brooklyn Now

Life in one Brooklyn neighborhood has turned into a treacherous, exhausting, Kafkaesque waking nightmare for residents due to the fact a cat is there, according to local reports.

Last week, South Slope News noted the sudden profusion in South Park Slope of very detailed typed fliers seeking the contact information and severed, blood-soaked head of the owner of a “LARGE, LEAN, DARK GREY CAT WITH DARK MARKINGS” that had recently begun slinking around backyards, hissing at people, biting family pets, listening to jazz, and doing other cat things.

“IF THIS IS YOUR CAT, DO YOU REALIZE HOW AGGRESSIVE AND MEAN IT IS WHEN IT ROAMS AROUND???” the fliers asked.

“Please contact me at [redacted] and perhaps we can arrange to have our cats out at separate times so they don’t cross paths and fight anymore. Your cat’s aggressiveness & attacking cannot continue for its own sake as well as the safety of other cats and people!”

On Monday, DNAinfo spoke to the poster of the flier, a woman named Patricia who is definitely not a tower of fussy Persian cats standing on one another’s backs, enclosed in a classic, sophisticated trench coat. Patricia said that that the cat has bitten her two pet cats on multiple occasions, leaving her with vet bills in excess of $500.

It also behaves more like a witch’s familiar than a common housecat.

"I've chased it out, I've yelled at it," frustrated Patricia said. "It stopped and turned around and hissed and growled at me."

In addition to providing a tidy explanation for the bite marks that have suddenly begun appearing on her cats—bite marks that Patricia herself almost certainly did not leave—this devil cat is turning Patricia’s neighborhood—normally a drama-free zone—into drama central. More drama than was produced at Globe Theatre between the years of 1600 and 1613. More drama than in the 3rd floor girls’ bathroom during free period.

"Any time this cat has come into my yard, there's been a confrontation," said Patricia, the woman who put up the flier and asked that her last name not be used.

Many of the fliers were taken down, and Patricia caught one neighbor mocking her with a "dramatic reading" of her plea for help.

Although Patricia has not yet managed to capture a photo of the cat, the description of it she provided to DNAinfo is a thousand times more vivid than any professional wildlife photography: According to the website, Patricia’s enemy has “long legs,” “a smallish head,” and “a collar with a bell,” no doubt forged by Satan in the fiery bowels of Hell, to toll the arrival of the wicked damned.

Here is an artist's representation of the cat, based on that description.:

Bad Cat Runs Brooklyn Now

While the identity of the owner of the cat is still unknown (assuming it does not belong, broadly, to The Night), Patricia has been in contact with one likely suspect: a woman who says she owns a cat matching Patricia's description. However, she refuses to send Patricia a photo of her cat, until Patricia sends her a photo of the cat she’s talking about. Just normal interactions between neighbors, each one unwilling or unable to send the other a photo of a cat.

Patricia tells DNAinfo she hasn’t been able to capture a picture of the cat because she's been "too busy breaking up fights.”

The cats tell DNAinfo that the thrill of the fight is indescribably erotic and makes them feel alive in a way they didn't know was possible.

[Top Image via Shutterstock; cat drawing by Caity W.]