Before last night, it had been a while since I'd watched a full episode of America's Next Top Model (now in its 21st cycle). But then, a friend pinged me, as one might when a mutual former friend has gone over the top in a way that is predictable (the tendency to go over the top and exhaust me in the process is exactly why we aren't friends any more) yet wholly new.
"Uh, Rich, maybe you should check on ANTM. I know you don't talk much any more, but she's gluing things to her face and walking around like it's a 'look.' I'm scared for her."
That's to say Tyra Banks and her brainwashed team glued a beard to a guy's face (guys now compete on this show, didn't you know?). They called it a "lacefront" and a "weave," which showed up front how impossible they were being, as it is neither. It's a face wig. A lacefront weave isn't a thing, just like gluing fake hair to a person's face in the name of fashion a thing. (Unless they were going for second grade President's Day assembly realness.) But they did it! And then they hated it. So they're going to re-do it. They won't stop until they get the facial-hair gluing right, and that is commitment that I think even the most cynical of us can admire.
The best part about this is watching all of the aspiring models attempt to justify the fake beard's worth. "I like the look," says "beard weave" victim Denzel. "Denzel, he's already, like, very manly so him getting the beard just adds on more to his manliness," says Mirjana, who, as her name implies if you look at it quickly and without focusing, is probably high. Or, you know, just has the munchies for camera time.