Beretta Sponsors a Nutty Post on Hiding Your Gun From "Jackboots"

When you're one of the world's oldest firearms makers, you can't rest on your centuries-old reputation. You need to stay relevant to today's gun owner. Which is why Beretta—for a minute, at least—sponsored a popular gun site's now-missing post on "Down and dirty solutions to hiding your handgun" at home.

The post was intended as "number one in a series on basic techniques and methods to keeping your handguns concealed and safe in any environment," and future installments were going to review "more solutions on hiding your handgun at work, underground and on your person," according to a note by an editor at Guns.com, where the post first appeared. (Emphasis mine.)

Weirdly, even though Guns.com still lists the post as one of its most viewed, the link to the post seems to have been updated to a 404, with a really cute GIF in its place. And Beretta, which linked the post on its Facebook page, also seems to have deleted any reference to it now.

What could Guns.com and Beretta have been so embarrassed about, besides training people to secrete pistols around their workplaces? Fortunately, the internet never forgets. The liberty-loving gun-toters at LewRockwell.com jubilantly published most of the post, and Americans Against the Tea Party preserved the whole text for posterity:

Be it from prying eyes, fingers or leaders, hiding your weapons is an integral part of safely owning firearms, and never more than when it comes to your handguns...

The first decision is between long and short term storage while the paradox here is between security and access. A corollary consideration is who are you really hiding your guns from: Kids? Thieves? Jackboots?...

Well, all of our kids are trained survivalists, and thieves will have to get past the community gates, security system, shotgun, panic room, and wall of survival PB&J candwiches. So yeah, it's all about those jackbooted government thugs, who will likely be carrying Beretta M9 9mm semiautomatic service pistols. Thanks, Beretta, for walking me through all this.

But wait! Isn't the very existence of this article telling those jackboots where I might stash my Sig? Oh, dear.

Inevitably, someone is going to call out this article for divulging tactics and they will be right–adopting what is readily known is at odds with the philosophy you'll need to abide by when keeping your handgun out of sight. Take the information here as inspiration and seek out creative and adaptive solutions on your own for full effect (custom solutions are often the best solutions).

Great! So where's the best place to start? Ah, the bathroom:

Check out any linen closets or bathroom cabinets for space to hang a small gun just above the door on the wall/panel closest to you (so that the gun would be directly over the head of someone rummaging through the space). Most closets are "shallow" and have molding around the door frame for cursory concealment.

Why's that?

While a burglar might go through your bedroom closet more carefully, in the bathroom they likely will not.

Man, this is foolproof!

Note, this method is not suitable for walk-in closets.

Ah... Sure, I figured.

The tank of the toilet is a viable (though not ideal) back-up option for storage–just make sure the handgun is double (or triple) wrapped to avoid any moisture coming into contact with your gun or ammo.

Oh yeah, the Godfather gambit. Nice! How about the bedroom?

Your laundry hamper offers a lot storage potential for handguns as thieves are usually not interested in your soiled clothes.

Well hell, neither am I. That's women's work amirite?

Now, I already know about hiding stuff in between drawers and frames. What else ya got? How about in the walls? I punch holes in those all the time.

Whenever drywall work presents itself, you have the opportunity to hide a handgun before sealing up any holes... To retrieve the gun, just put your fist through the patch and grab.

Done and done! Now, about the kitchen...

Be smart when stashing guns in your pantry and do not pick foods or locations that will garner any attention from kids, bad guys or other house guests... An empty cereal box in the pantry stored on a high shelf is a decent short term solution...

Go Walter White, Ziploc bag your revolver and hide it in the fridge or freezer. Most freezers won't get cold enough to cause any malfunctions and pinch comes to push, you can fire the gun through the bag...

As far as the living room is concerned, let's just include a photo from the post:

Beretta Sponsors a Nutty Post on Hiding Your Gun From "Jackboots"

Great. All of this is just great, great, great. I feel safer from the Beretta-armed jackboots already. Who put all this together, again?

Also, if you liked this article you should know that the good folks at Beretta were instrumental in helping Guns.com put it together, so if you want to show your support for them and for us, check out their latest innovations in shooting apparel at the Beretta store including some of the most stylish and inconspicuous concealed carry friendly clothes on the market (but that's another article).

Can't wait for the next installment. Capitalism, guns and paranoia are my favorite things. Because I am an American man!