Big Yogurt Just Can't Do Greek Yogurt Right

The War in Afghanistan has lost the War for America's Imagination to the War for Greek Yogurt Supremacy. Though the latest dispatches from Kabul bore us to tears, we can't get enough news of the latest yogurt flavor combinations. Have you heard this Yoplait bullshit?

People start eating a lot of Greek yogurt and next thing you know every stuffy old corporation in Big Yogurt wants to barge in and take its slice of the tangy, creamy pie. What Big Yogurt doesn't understand is that you can't just buy our love for Greek yogurt: you have to earn that shit. Real yogurt people don't just go for the yogurt with the prettiest packaging or the flashiest ads or the endorsement of celebrities with bowel problems. We look for taste. And what we want in Greek yogurt is a yogurt that is thick and creamy and a little tangy to the point of sourness and also pure and free of fruit so that we can mix in our own fruit, sometimes by tipping the little cup to the side, watching it pour in with a faint feeling of accomplishment, as if we ourselves have played an important role in this particular cup of yogurt.

Real yogurt people want to eat Fage, in other words.

But, oh no, here comes YoplaitCorp and its big budget ad agency, with some bullshit entry into the Greek yogurt market, with the most absolute bullshit selling points in the history of the Greek Yogurt Wars. Ad Age reports:

Yoplait's new formula will adhere to the authentic Greek straining methods. Yoplait hopes to gain an edge by making sure the fruit is fully blended. Also, the formula has a milder taste profile than some competing brands, Mr. Harad said. "We believe there are less sour notes ... and more true dairy notes that come through the yogurt," he added.

Man, you stuffed suits over at Big Yogurt Corp just don't get it. If there are two things I do not want in my Greek yogurt they are 1) yogurt that is pre-blended as if made for babies and 2) yogurt that is "less sour."

They already make yogurt that's "less sour," it's called cream cheese. Why don't you go eat some cream cheese, you babies?

[Ad Age. Photo: FB]