Bobsled Is the Easiest Olympic SportS

We would never deign to call an Olympic sport "easy." Eating muffins is easy. Sports at least require some motion. But if you, the average non-Olympic athlete, really needed to make the Olympic team in a pinch, you would clearly choose bobsled as your "sport."

Some people, often referred to as morons, are—right this very minute—piping up to say, "Curling!" Sure, curling is not the most "athletic" sport. But you think curling is easy? Curling is an unathletic sport-pastime, which places it in the same category as pool and darts. Do you think that if there were an Olympic pool team, you could make it? Hell no!!! Is your name the same as that of a Paul Newman character??? Then no!!! People spend their entire lives getting good at these bizarre little activities! There are darts players who, though they may be beer-bellied and half-drunk, possess an amount of skill in that one single arena that exceeds the skill of a surgeon at surgery. Their arena just happens to be a useless bar game. Still, you could never beat them at it without a lifetime of practice.

No, what you need is something that requires very little practice, and only rudimentary athletic skills. Hello, bobsled. Let me describe to you the entire skill set that an athlete must possess in order to qualify as a member of the U.S. Olympic Bobsled Team:

1. Push the bobsled down the ice.

2. Jump into the bobsled.

That is it. The guy who steers the bobsled has to have some steering skills. We wouldn't try out for that position. The single most easy athletic position to learn in all of Winter or Summer Olympic sports is "the person who pushes the bobsled and sits in back." Indeed, that is why Olympic bobsled teams are populated by people like Herschel Walker and Lolo Jones, who have never even touched a bobsled before. They just have strong legs.

Did you know that you only need to push the sled 50 meters before jumping in? That's like half a 100-yard dash. You don't even need endurance!

Here is a list of every single Olympic sport. I defy you to point to one that requires less skill than pushing a big metal can down the ice for 50 meters and then hopping in that motherfucker. Archery? A lifetime of practice. Rhythmic gymnastics? Ditto. Luge? That shit ain't easy, my friend. Only the bobsled offers the unique combination of not requiring any specialized skills, and depending almost entirely on an athletic attribute accessible to the common man.

Any reasonably athletic motherfucker with strong legs and some time on his hands could conceivably be on the bobsled team.

Have you been feeling "blah?" Do you fear that your life lacks purpose? If you start training now, you could be on the 2018 U.S. (or, if possible, smaller and more obscure nation) Winter Olympic Bobsled team! If you commit to doing plenty of Super Squats and power cleans and pushing a Prowler sled around a lot and running some 50-yard sprints with a parachute tied to your back for four years, you have at least a fair to middling chance of not embarrassing yourself at the Olympic trials. You can't say as much for any other sport. Hell, I'd do it myself, if only I could find a patriotic company to sponsor my humble dream ($400K/ year plus travel expenses).

It's literally just running down the ice for a short distance.

[Photo: Getty]