Bootleg Cronuts Are Poisoning People in Canada

As bloody political turmoil continues to rain down violence and chaos in Egypt, things are pretty crazy in the Western Hemisphere, too, where everyone wants a cronut. Some people are so desperate to put a cronut in their mouths and chew it and swallow it, they're even buying off-brand: a croissant dusted with cinnamon sugar—that's a cronut; a Pillsbury popover drizzed with simple syrup—that's a cronut; a Big Mac container that says "CRONUT" in marker with water sprinkled over it—that's a cronut. Now Canadian news outlets are reporting that at least 12 people suffered stomach pain, vomiting, and diarrhea after consuming so-called "cronut burgers" at the Canadian National Exhibition, an annual fair in Toronto.

The burgers are the deformed, ghastly brainchildren of Toronto burger joint, Epic Burgers and Waffles (in collaboration with a local bakery). They consist of a beef patty, yellow processed cheese, optional egg, optional bacon, and a "cronut" bun topped with something called "maple bacon jam" that looks like maple bacon jam after a dog threw it up in your bed.

But if New York pastry chef Dominique Ansel's Cronut™ is the Nike of novelty foods that are both donuts and croissants, Epic Burgers and Waffles' version is the Payless store-brand knockoff version. Cronuts™ are filled with cream and topped with glaze; cronuts are dusted with cinnamon sugar and filled with bullshit because it is a FAKE, OFF-BRAND CANADIAN KNOCK-OFF.

While it's yet to be officially confirmed that the cronut burgers gave customers food poisoning, Toronto Public Health inspectors shut down the Epic Burgers stand pending investigation. CBC News spoke to two people affected by the Poison Stupid Donut Burgers from Hell.

One said his wife became sick after eating a cronut burger, seafood chowder fries, ice cream waffles and a smoothie at the CNE. [...]

Another man told CBC he felt ill after eating a cronut burger at the Ex and a slate of other high-fat snacks that included a Canuck burger, sweet potato fries, poutine and a Philly cheesesteak.

To reiterate, in total, that's:

  • Two burgers with donuts for buns, covered in bacon jam
  • Fries with soup on them
  • Waffles with ice cream on them
  • One smoothie
  • Another burger that consists of two bacon patties, bacon strips, and cheese
  • Fries slathered in gravy, topped with cheese curds
  • A Philly cheesesteak
  • Sweet potato fries

And after eating that, people became sick! What a world. How's Egypt doing?

[Image via Epic Burgers and Waffles]