As Kate Middleton regrets more and more her decision 9 months ago to prank the world by claiming to be pregnant, the caravan of international media camped outside her hospital inches ever closer to delirium. Earlier this week, some news services began offering live-streaming video of the hospital doors through which the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge may or may not pass when Kate Middleton gives birth. The result: 20 hours a day of a still shot of windows (sometimes a street shot of doors) and some of the best eavesdropping currently available on the Internet.

Most of the time, the feed produces pure ambient noise: a sedan drives by; a gaggle of children troops down the sidewalk; the vital hum of an exhausted horde rises and falls .

But, every once in a while, the camera's microphone will pick up snatches of conversation.

British photographers flirt with Australian news anchors. A German reporter practices his lines. Someone suggests that the Americans try fish and chips (verdict: some of them like it!). It's like you're hiding in a weight room in the Olympic Village, except instead of training for the most important moment of their lives, these folks are standing around waiting for some lady they don't know to have a baby. Sometimes they fight.

Here are some snippets of conversations I've heard since I started listening on Wednesday. Apparently there's a mice problem.

(Whispering) Fed up, fed up, fed up!”

- British man

"Don't go all high and mighty up on your pedestal! Mr. 'Oh I'm a cameraman, everybody's gotta respect me!' No, I don't!"

- British man

"I need to escape the mice. It's freaking me out."

- Australian woman

"English is supposedly the hardest language.”

- American(?) man to French woman

"(On the phone) Why are you textin' me 'Has something happened?'"

- British man

“My sister wants to do lad mags. Oh well.”

- British man

"Who's the American country/western singer, about my age? World famous! I can't remember his name and it's getting on my nerves."


“Kenny Rogers!”

- British man

“Who wants to try some fish and chips?”

- British man

“It’s not right to have pictures of nude women next to pictures of a baby!”

- British woman

“I’m gonna go pick up some fried chicken. I actually don’t like fish and chips. I know.”

- American man

"Why all these cameras here? It's for the royal baby? In this hospital?"


"If it's a girl, my guess is the name won't be Camilla!"

- Danish(?) woman

You can watch the shadows of St. Mary's Hospital lengthen every day from 4 a.m. to 11 p.m. BST (11 p.m. to 6 p.m.) on the Telegraph live feed. (As of Friday, it's running long.)

[Image via Getty]

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