In a month already rife with scandal, the Internet has somehow managed to unearth perhaps the greatest controversy in recorded history: Beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch is not, in actuality, a Captain.
In other words, the Cap'n is nothing but a lousy Commander.
It wasn't long before CNN unleashed the full force of its on-air talent to get to the bottom of this soggy cereal bowl of lies:
So, is childhood canceled? Not quite.
In response to claims that he's been lying about his rank, potentially making him a criminal and a traitor, Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch took to his official Twitter account to refute the allegations.
Adds another Farker: "I find it more alarming that a naval service would accept a recruit whose eye bulge out beyond the brim of his hat."