Cap'n Crunch Forced to Refute Claims That He's Not a Real Captain

In a month already rife with scandal, the Internet has somehow managed to unearth perhaps the greatest controversy in recorded history: Beloved cereal mascot Cap'n Crunch is not, in actuality, a Captain.

While the Cap'n's uniform displays three stripes, a naval Captain traditionally wears four stripes on his or her cuff.

In other words, the Cap'n is nothing but a lousy Commander.

It wasn't long before CNN unleashed the full force of its on-air talent to get to the bottom of this soggy cereal bowl of lies:

Cap'n Crunch Forced to Refute Claims That He's Not a Real Captain

So, is childhood canceled? Not quite.

In response to claims that he's been lying about his rank, potentially making him a criminal and a traitor, Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch took to his official Twitter account to refute the allegations.

.@consumerist All hearsay & misunderstandings! I captain the S.S. Guppy with my crew, which makes me an official Cap'n. #CrunchatizingRumors

— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) June 17, 2013

"All hearsay & misunderstandings!" the Cap'n told Consumerist. " captain the S.S. Guppy with my crew, which makes me an official Cap'n."

He's absolutely right: Being in command of a seafaring vessel automatically entitles one to be addressed as "captain," irrespective of rank.

Also, as one Farker astutely notes, "maybe the ranks of the breakfast cereal navy are different."

Adds another Farker: "I find it more alarming that a naval service would accept a recruit whose eye bulge out beyond the brim of his hat."

[images via Reddit]