As the American economy chugs along in the boom before the doom, you, the consumer, are no longer willing to settle for cheap, crappy items at low prices. And companies have heard your cries. They now offer cheap, crappy items at higher prices.

You, the consumer, may not be able to afford a Maserati with one of those expensive little dogs dressed up as a chauffeur, but you can damn sure afford a slightly higher quality brand of paper towel. And you, the consumer, are ready to open your wallet to assert the fact that you, the consumer, are not some poor piece of dirt to be pissed upon by the capitalism machine; you are, in fact, a slightly more wealthy piece of dirt to pissed upon by the capitalism machine. The Wall Street Journal reports that P&G is now offering newer, more expensive, more luxurious varieties of tampons, and paper towels, and dish soap, and trash bags, just for you, the proud consumer.

Don't let your choice of paper towel mark you as a poor.

Earlier this year, the company launched Bounty DuraTowel, high-end paper towels with embossing resembling that of a dishcloth. The paper towels are encased in a thicker plastic wrapper, and at about $4 for two king rolls, they cost about 20% more than regular Bounty.

Mmm. Damn, girl. I see you're a woman of refined taste and style. No thin paper towels for you. Those paper towels are thick. And that plastic wrapper— damn. I'm talking thick.

May I interest you in a date to McDonald's? Fuck the Dollar Menu. We're going off the $5 Menu. Gurl U no U want to demonstrate ur affluence thru a pitiful mockery of conspicuous consumption McNuggets.

[Pic via]