Comments from TedSez

TedSez commented on Woman Angered By Photographer Who Says Her Husband "Looks Well"

Fri, 09 May 2008 12:10:20 EDT

Vote-Rigging Tortoise Man and Golddigging Courtesan Await Rigor Mortis Van

TedSez commented on At This Point, Sandwich More Interesting Than Celebrity

Thu, 08 May 2008 18:24:39 EDT

"They're Chickpea Balls? What a Coincidence -- That Used To Be My Nickname For Jason. And Little Garbanzos Was His Nickname for Me!"

TedSez commented on Disappointment

Thu, 08 May 2008 14:46:12 EDT

"I just don't know what happened," said Max Bialystock, president of Bialystock & Bloom Productions. "The saddest thing is that our backers will never get their money back. Oh well -- that's show business!"

TedSez commented on Scarlett Johansson's Five Imaginary Fathers

Thu, 08 May 2008 13:40:47 EDT

Her head makes it look as if the title of the magazine is Passe. Which seems just about right at this point.

TedSez commented on Broadway Hopes to Attract Audience Members With Buff Men

Thu, 08 May 2008 13:36:50 EDT

Sure, but who plays the "tits and ass" girl? (What, no one cares? Oh, now I understand....)

TedSez commented on Steampunk

Thu, 08 May 2008 13:10:20 EDT

Thanks, you just completely ruined "Torchwood" for me.

TedSez commented on Bushes Don't Want Jew Fashion Scion At Jenna Wedding

Thu, 08 May 2008 13:05:50 EDT

So the problem is that he's too old and too semitic for her, and he won't propose? That's like complaining that the food is terrible, and there's not enough of it.

(Yes, that's a Jewish joke. We've got a million of 'em.)

TedSez commented on "Two At The Same Time?"

Thu, 08 May 2008 12:50:46 EDT

And that, my friend, is how I beat up Verne Troyer."

TedSez commented on Woman Wants Six Figures For Alleged Lohan Coat Theft

Wed, 07 May 2008 18:12:22 EDT

@MisterHippity:

When our Lindsay a pilfered coat donned
'Twas to take fashion one step beyond --
'Neath her hair's yellow glow
There's still fire down below
But her fur's now illegally blonde.

TedSez commented on "I'm not saying I'm depending on Maxim to keep me alive over there, but it helps."

Wed, 07 May 2008 16:01:12 EDT

@Mediahohoho: To "Make Friends"?

TedSez commented on "I'm not saying I'm depending on Maxim to keep me alive over there, but it helps."

Wed, 07 May 2008 15:54:37 EDT

@In Other News...: If it makes you feel any better, Megan Fox is 22. If it makes you feel any worse, she's engaged to Brian Austin Green, whose name is "tattooed near her genital region."

TedSez commented on Woman Wants Six Figures For Alleged Lohan Coat Theft

Wed, 07 May 2008 15:30:27 EDT

I was at that party too. Has anyone seen my Dalmatian puppy?

TedSez commented on Penn Jillette Appalls Joe Scarborough With Old Joke

Wed, 07 May 2008 13:43:45 EDT

Meanwhile, Teller had no comment.

TedSez commented on Unsuspecting Young Woman Wanders Into Polanski-Type Situation

Wed, 07 May 2008 12:50:48 EDT

Confused Actress Suddenly Has Rosemary's Baby Bump

TedSez commented on SATC Marketing Continued: "But What About the Fabulous Look of Mr. Big"

Wed, 07 May 2008 12:07:19 EDT

I dunno, a complete set of American Tourister luggage? Pack your bags, everybody!

TedSez commented on "Witches... Remove... Your Wigs!"

Wed, 07 May 2008 11:25:50 EDT

"First prize goes to Stella Falco, whose little Annie finally got a ring from that nice dentist in Cedarhurst. Second goes to Amy Schwartz, whose son Barry got a wonderful job at a news show called '360,' and apparently is already very good friends with the anchorman. And third prize goes to Dina Lohan, whose daugher Ali has already appeared on two reality shows and an 'E! True Hollywood Story'! We can only hope she continues to have the same kind of success in the future."

TedSez commented on Idol

Wed, 07 May 2008 11:11:07 EDT

Syesha made "A Change Is Gonna Come" her own by, erm, comparing this Civil Rights Movement thingy she just learned about with her own struggles to reach the top four.

But that's still not as bad as a dreadlocked stoner kid with no idea why someone might get in trouble with law enforcement on some island somewhere desecrating Bob Marley like a frat boy at a karaoke party.

TedSez commented on "Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck it all," Says Advice Columnist

Tue, 06 May 2008 13:52:51 EDT

They're all like this. If anyone ever read his column past the first paragraph -- or read Salon at all, for that matter -- they'd see that this guy's advice is nuttier than Mr. Blue on a gram of Powdermilk 'Shrooms.

TedSez commented on "I Should Have Devoured You In The Womb."

Tue, 06 May 2008 13:02:46 EDT

"Seriously, Bob says if we do this new act of his we'll make another billion dollars. It's called 'The Aristocrats.' "

TedSez commented on Candice Bergen's Heartwarming Pre-Mother's Day Message

Mon, 05 May 2008 23:16:18 EDT

[imagecache2.allposters.com]

TedSez commented on We Hope They Enjoy 'The Last Samurai'

Mon, 05 May 2008 17:06:21 EDT

"Respect the c*@k. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!"

TedSez commented on Little Circus Bumbles Into Town

Mon, 05 May 2008 17:01:13 EDT

It's time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[www.sfgate.com]

TedSez commented on Little Circus Bumbles Into Town

Mon, 05 May 2008 16:11:23 EDT

Aunt Berta and Grandma Tessie Can't Believe How Popular They've Become Ever Since They Joined the Red Hat Society.

TedSez commented on Shouty Sportswriter Is Sorry For Yelling

Mon, 05 May 2008 15:39:26 EDT

Let's send them all to Mrs. Coach's office and get this thing taken care of.

TedSez commented on Choke

Mon, 05 May 2008 15:23:45 EDT

But is he thinking of Alanis when he does her?

TedSez commented on Mentos Wants You To Smooch Your Computer. Literally

Mon, 05 May 2008 14:50:44 EDT

She tastes like burning!

TedSez commented on Copycat Kiddies Ruin the Washington Post's Poetry Contest, Again

Mon, 05 May 2008 12:59:22 EDT

Anyone who thinks kids never plagiarize has never seen episode 12 of any school-set TV drama. What they should be asking is: How come the judges of a kiddie writing contest didn't recognize a poem by Shel Silverstein?

TedSez commented on Food: Now Dumber

Mon, 05 May 2008 12:51:03 EDT

It isn't only manufacturers dumbing down eating. The New York Times recently forced its critics to review chain restaurants like Applebee's and the Cheesecake Factory, and apparently decimated their vocabularies in the process. (For the record, an Outback Steakhouse Bloomin' Onion is "bad for you, but good," a french country salad at the Cheesecake factory "hit the spot," Olive Garden endless salad is "lively," and the nachos at Chili's are "cheesy and savory." Good to know!)

[events.nytimes.com]

TedSez commented on Kentuckian Beguiled By Winner's Circle

Mon, 05 May 2008 12:34:58 EDT

Over Ernie's fervent objections, heavy-metal-haired Bert signs up to star in "Rock of Love III: Puppet Love."

TedSez commented on No One Dies In Sex And The City Movie

Mon, 05 May 2008 03:20:42 EDT

Wouldn't the parents be around 106 by now?

Although I kind of like to think that Grandma Big would be played by the "rappin' granny" from The Wedding Singer.

TedSez commented on One More Thing

Sun, 04 May 2008 18:10:37 EDT

PAX TV is now ION TV, the best place to see syndicated reruns of "Baywatch."

TedSez commented on While We're At It: The New Indiana Jones Trailer

Sun, 04 May 2008 17:47:16 EDT

A. Nice to see Karen Allen again.

B. Harrison Ford's voiceover sounds tired and vaguely p'd-off. Just the way we like him.

C. Is Cate Blanchett's character Natasha Fatale? Moose and squirrel are going to get it this time!

TedSez commented on Happy Birthday Spam!

Sun, 04 May 2008 15:55:52 EDT

@drunkexpatwriter: Good job! I hope you were well paid for that one.

TedSez commented on The New Dark Knight Trailer

Sun, 04 May 2008 15:48:53 EDT

This one really doesn't look so different from the last one, or any of the others. I was expecting something deeper, along the lines of Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns.

TedSez commented on Tom Hanks Endorses Barack

Sun, 04 May 2008 15:42:45 EDT

Soon there'll be a video of Hanks and a Hillary-supporting Meg Ryan arguing adorably to a backing of Hoagy Carmichael standards.

TedSez commented on One More Thing

Sat, 03 May 2008 19:48:53 EDT

"Bill McNeal's hypothetical interviews":

By the way, Andy Dick is on "The Real World" this season, leading improv classes or something. That's just the person they want hanging around sexy drunken 20-year-olds with bad judgment.

TedSez commented on Happy Birthday Spam!

Sat, 03 May 2008 16:14:01 EDT

That skit will be funny forever.

My favorite recent spam e-mail is one that came with the subject line: "She measures your love in inches." Sheer poetry.

TedSez commented on Does Seinfeld Still Work for You?

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:43:50 EDT

It's not surprising that a show that had "no lessons" as one of its mantras didn't feature a lot of character growth. That was kind of the point.

Or, as Robert Hurd writes in Taking Seinfeld Seriously: Modernism in Popular Culture (Johns Hopkins Press):

"The strategies employed by the creators of the critically acclaimed show Seinfeld to reinvent the American television sitcom bear a striking resemblance to those that Gustave Flaubert devised to reinvent the French novel in the mid-nineteenth century, following late French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu's account. Far from being some transnational, transmedial, and transepochal coincidence, the similarity of Flaubert's and Seinfeld's 'refusals' of pre-existing and contemporary models of their respective genres points to the universality of the mechanisms by which certain cultural producers effect a 'modernist' revolution in disparate popular cultural 'fields' in modern capitalist societies. The eruption of modernist transvaluations in mass cultural genres serves not only to legitimate specific cultural producers against others within these genres, but raises these media-bound genres to a more legitimate status within the field of cultural production at large."

See what I mean?

TedSez commented on 'The Empire Strikes Barack'

Sat, 03 May 2008 15:32:19 EDT

@moff: Luckily, they have the disadvantage of being fictional.

TedSez commented on 'The Empire Strikes Barack'

Sat, 03 May 2008 13:53:12 EDT

The Star Wars mythology is a fantasy that essentially says, "Our side is good, and your side is (by definition) entirely evil. Negotiations are only an excuse for you to gain more power. The only way for good to triumph is for us to destroy you completely, before you have a chance to destroy us."

I think that one of the things Obama's supporters like about him is that he doesn't subscribe to that kind of worldview.