Despite being a mere 169 pages long, Crippled America, the newest book from obscenely prolific author and current presidential candidate Donald Trump, is not an easy read. It becomes physically painful around page 11, when Trump is, ostensibly, explaining why he makes outrageous comments:
I’m a businessman with a brand to sell. When was the last time you saw a sign hanging outside a pizzeria claiming “The fourth best pizza in the world”?! But now I am using those talents, honed through years of tremendous success, to inspire people to think that our country can get better and be great again and that we can turn things around.
It may seem like there is some context missing that explains the pizza-related aside. There is not. Nothing in this book makes sense. There is no meaning to be gleaned.
To make sense of a random and meaningless universe, we look to numbers. Here are the highlights of Donald Trump’s ode to a dying America that only he, successful businessman Donald Trump, can make great again—broken down by the numbers.
The number of times Trump refers to “making America great again.”
The number of times Trump writes the words “win,” “winning,” or “winner.”
The number of times Trump writes “lose,” “losing,” or “loser.”
The number of times Trump refers to a big, beautiful wall on the Mexican border.
The number of times Trump refers to hit NBC reality show The Apprentice.
The number of times Trump refers to his “beautiful” properties.
The number of times Trump refers to his “beautiful wife.”
The number of times Trump places the words “expert,” “fact,” or “theory” in sarcastic quotation marks.
The number of times Trump refers to one of his hotels.
The number of times Trump refers to Atlantic City.
Things Donald Trump describes himself as:
- “A great builder.”
- “A nice guy.”
- “A really nice guy.”
- “An unstoppable force.”
- “Not a politican.”
- “A practical businessman.”
- “A very successful businessman.”
- “A tough and demanding boss.”
- “A winner.”
- “Good at reading.”
- “A businessman with a brand to sell.”
- “A fighter.”
- “A realist.”
- “A competitor.”
- “A nice guy.”
- “Proud to be an American.”
- “Proud and grateful to be an American.”
- “A Christian.”
- “A conservative Republican.”
- “A conservative person.”
Words and phrases written in all-caps:
On whom Trump has proven wrong:
I have proven everybody wrong.
On whether Trump minds putting in a big, beautiful door:
I don’t mind putting a big, beautiful door in that wall so people can come in and out . . . LEGALLY.
On Trump’s ability to fulfill agreements:
We’re EXCELLENT... at fulfilling or even exceeding our agreements.
On doors, again:
[A great wall on our southern border] needs beautiful doors in it to welcome LEGAL immigration.
On the kind of guy Donald Trump is:
I’M A NICE GUY. I really am.
Crippled America is on sale today at fine booksellers everywhere.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.