Dear Sweet, Stupid Adults: Do Not Pay $1000 for Jump Rope Lessons

For years, kids have exploited the fact that adults have no idea how much any earthly object, activity, or concept costs.

"Sure I'll make you a mix CD of that one Corinne Bailey Ray song you like. Just give me like $14."

"Here's a coupon for one (1) free hug, redeemable at any point during your birthday, subject to terms and conditions, Dad. I didn't get you any other presents because I'm really taking a hit by giving you this hug for free."

Et cetera.

Now, one adult has gained sentience and, against all reason, managed to successfully implement the business plan every neighborhood group of "older girls" always dreamed would make them millionaires: she's charging people for double Dutch lessons.

She's charging people $1000 for double Dutch lessons.

In a recent article titled "Adults Learn the Ropes of Double Dutch; Sky Rains Blood; Air Costs a Billion Dollars; Christ Has Forsaken Us; You Aren't Even Allowed to Keep the Ropes to Hang Yourself with Afterwards," the Wall Street Journal profiled Melissa Quayle, jump rope instructor and the woman behind Brooklyn-based Double Dutch Empire. As CEO of the Double Dutch East India Company, Quayle charges $500 to $1000 per session to teach groups of grown-ups how to double Dutch at corporate events, music festivals, and other places where nervous adults mill about nervously in search of order. Not since the Hapsburgs has an empire managed to bleed its subjects so dry while providing so little in return.

On its website, Double Dutch Empire promises it will turn novices into double Dutch jumpers in "two minutes or less," which right away tells you this is not a service you should be paying upwards of $500 for. It's sort of like charging someone $800 to teach them how to Dougie, or $1.4 billion to allow them to experience the firm pull of gravity on their jumping body.

In order to save well-meaning party planning adults thousands of dollars in jump rope lessons (use that money to buy a strobe light!), Gawker has decided to print the closely guarded secrets of how to double Dutch here on the Internet, for all to see.

After reading the instructions, please submit your payment by taking a $5 bill and setting it on fire.

DOUBLE DUTCH INSTRUCTIONS:

1. When the rope closest to you (1 of 2 ropes total) hits the ground, jump over it.

2. Continue jumping every time a rope is about to hit your feet.

3. Instead of letting the ropes hit your feet, keep jumping.

4. Every time you see a car about to turn into the street where you are jumping rope, stop jumping and yell "Car!"

5. Run to the sidewalk.

6. Don't get hit by a car.

That's pretty much it. If ever you get flustered, remind yourself that seven year olds can do this, and do, everyday, for hours, in neighborhoods across America. Literally all you are doing is jumping in place. The ropes are there to keep you on rhythm.

Then take comfort in the fact you have saved yourself $1000 by learning this skill on the Internet.

[WSJ // Image via Shutterstock]

To contact the author of this post, email caity@gawker.com.