HPV boys! Chest X-rays! Aging secrets! Bat disease! Old pacemakers! Filthy surface! Coffee protection! Super broccoli! And gurl U no U better keep taking that birth control! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in technicolor!

• HPV vaccine for boys? Hey geniuses, that's girl stuff! What next, unclothed touching?
• If you think that getting routine chest X-rays can help you detect lung cancer, I've got news for you: You have lung cancer. Yeah, we detected it with the chest X-ray. Does that make you feel better?
• Tell us your secrets to long life, elderly people. Tell us or we will rip it right out of your DNA. Tell us now. Tell us.
• What's been causing that devastating bat disease? I have to be honest, I didn't even get past "devastating bat disease" in the headline of this story. Devastating bat disease? It has a ring to it, you know? "Devastating bat disease." Like it could be a baseball thing, but it's not.
• If you're living in a poor nation, don't just go without a pacemaker; instead, take an old used pacemaker out of the body of some dead dude and put it all up in your own poor, creaky body. That sounds good.
• Guess what the absolute filthiest surface that you can touch is? It's a gas pump handle! Oh... you were actually going to guess. MY FACE IS RED.
• Best fucking news in a motherfucking minute: drinking a shitload of coffee makes you less likely to get fucking skin cancer. Soaking in coffee until your skin is the color of coffee may have even greater effects.
• Sir. There's no easy way to tell you this. [Slowly removes hat, wipes brow, sets hat on table, sinks into chair, contemplates hands for a moment, then looks up with an expression of resignation] The Brits have super broccoli.
• They say these new birth control pills will double women's risk of blood clots. Huh............... I still think you should take them!